it all makes sense now!

damn, planets really make a difference im my life, this couldnt be more on point for me, for the past few days..


When a planet goes retrograde, it appears (to our eyes) to move backward, creating a "Bizarro World" of all the things it represents. For Pluto, the muckraking planet that reveals deep desires and hidden secrets, the past five months of retrograde meant that we turned our focus inward, forcing us to face up to our own buried truths. But Pluto's going direct again, so get ready to look outside yourself ... and expect revelations on a much more public scale!


But Pluto isn't really a downer planet. Think of it as the planet of epiphany: it brings truth to the surface, showing us what needs improvement on a personal and planetary level. During Pluto Retrograde, you may have noticed yourself reassessing the relationships in your life to figure out which interpersonal connections no longer benefited you. Now that Pluto's direct, it'll throw these truths into the spotlight.

While Pluto might sound harsh, it ultimately acts as a catalyst. This planet has a bad rap for being dark, but at its best it can be transformative. As the old adage goes, the best way to solve a problem is to first admit that you have one. Pluto will help you there! And with Pluto shoving that problem in your face, you'll get the push you need to take action!

so fresh and so clean..

what a wonderful weekend i had. i was out in the middle of nowhere for 3 days and 2 nights. it was amazing. no cell phones, no internet, no nothing. i barely thought about anything. i was just there doing my thing. lounging by the river, or swimming, or sitting down and talking with people. it was so relaxing for real. i thought i would go camping and have profound ideas come to me, or have some new thoughts on my life, but i didnt. i just chilled out. i think its what i needed. to not think. i think all the time. im always up in my head, so its good to be out once in a while. but the funny thing is i was super present. i didnt think really think about home or people or things going on around anywhere else. only when we were getting ready to leave did it all come to me and in the shower when i got home. this is the beginning. i am starting the beginning of my life!

ive spent my whole life caring about other people, and what other people thought and how i should or shouldnt act, and what i should be doing instead, and i realized now is the time for me. ive healed myself and thought i was all good and ready to take on new things and start my new life, but that was only part of it. i shed that some deeper skin and it showed there was so much more inside me that needed to be brought to light. i am more confident in myself and for asking what i need and saying what i like and dont like. i have all the answers, and i do have direction, its just always been hidden, because i wasnt ready. i still feel not 100 percent ready but im wayy closer than ive ever been. my life is starting to come together, all i need is my money to be flowing and ill be all good. well i guess its more than that, i need to start taking steps to get there. i need to start studing for my gre's for real. i need to get on that. it just feels good to have faith in myself. to know i have it in me, i guess it does all come down to confidence. i never really felt confident in myself before. i never thought i was important enough to have opinions that mattered. i always assumed everyone else was right and i was wrong, but the more and more i trust in me, the more and more im proven right. its kind of crazy to have all this power now. haha its funny to say now, because ive always had it. people just go upon the vibes i put out there, i used to put out the im unconfident vibes, and people took advantage of me or just made fun of me, and didnt take me seriously. it was because of what i put out there, my energy was weak. i feel strong now, i feel like people cant do that to me anymore. i radiate positivity! i love me, i really do now. its a wonderful feeling. to truly love yourself and know your worth, its not easy, most people dont even know they are missing it until they feel it. i feel so free, so uninhibited, so fresh, so clean.

green river..

if i could put the cool guitar lick after this line i would, but i cant, so i wont..

my crazy river weekend was awesome. i drove there alone on saturday morning, just me and the pup together going on this adventure i had no idea what i was walking into, but i liked it like that. i dont do too much stuff on a whim these days, or ever actually, so it was nice to kind of just let go and go for something new. i like that i have been open lately to new things to come into my life, and not just staying stuck in my little box that i have created for myself. ok so my drive there was incredible, i had great music, great weather, a full tank of gas, food, a joint and directions. it was all i needed too. i knew my phone might not work out there, so i was prepared for it, but it was really cool that it didnt work. it was nice to shut off from society and just be in this safe little place in the wilderness and just experience life "in the wild"per-say. when i got there ate lunch, a ganja cookie, and hit the road. we walked up about a quarter or half a mile in the blazing hot sun, with only our bathing suits, shoes and water. we walked down this crazy little path and hit the river. we were going floating down the river, which is something ive never done before, and had noooo idea what i was getting myself into.

it was amazing though. we just went down the river with our bodies, i felt so connected to the earth and tibby and terra. we really bonded which was the best part of the whole thing. i havent really felt like that with too many people since i moved out here. i thought all those fun adventures you have with people which make you better friends didnt really exists anymore, so it was really really refreshing to share those moments and memories with them. after we went through a few mini rapids, we were just chillin letting the current take us. we found this little beach and decided to lay on it for a while and let the cookies just kick in and enjoy life. there were these 3 butterflies that hung out around us too which was awesome, and oddly enough there were two yellow ones, and one black and whitish one, so we decided that was us, since me and terra are blondes and tibby is a brunette! these butterflies followed us all weekend too it was quite magical. after this whole butterfly thing happened we saw a bald eagle! it was so radical, and on the 4th of july of all days too. it was just right. the whole day was just right.

today i came home, back to reality and its not so bad, i really was looking forward to coming back to my own space and excited that i had someone to come back to. it was a first in a long time, where i felt like he was maybe just as excited as i was to be coming back. we were gonna hang out tonight, but it got too late so we will tomorrow! this whole dating thing is so new and nice to be involved in. its nice to be someone someone else wants for real and out loud and not all secretive, or cheesy, or guilty or drunk. its real and nice, even if it doesnt work out i learned im not gonna be nobodys secret ever again. ive done it too much, i deserve way better and expect it now.

tomorrow night, or early tuesday morning at 2:12am there is a full moon eclipse! its so rad, i saw it last year too. way special, check it out!

be careful what you ask for, you just might get it..

i just watched "into the wild" and damn did that movie really make me feel weird. i wasnt really ready to sit down and watch a movie, but it came on and i got sucked in automatically..i had heard that it was an excellent movie and had planned on watching it sometime, but i guess tonight was the night it was supposed to happen. i really loved the poetic theme of the film, and how philosophical it is. the whole idea of just leaving all these things behind and living like our ancestors in the wild is a noble idea indeed, but very fucking stupid. i felt so uncomfortable and anxious towards the end when he was starving, and his body was barely nothing. i felt so angry at him, it was his fault! he decided to do this haphazardly and it was stupid! he touched so many peoples lives and esp the old guy ron. he asked him to join his family and he said when he came back, thats the thing, he had all plans to come back but was trapped. he didnt bring a map, so he couldnt find his way out. its so horrible. that poor kid, he essentially killed himself. the worst part is he didnt want to, he realized that being alone wasnt happiness, he said happiness is found in sharing, and that really hit home for me. i spend so much time alone, and when people are around me sometimes i kind of cant wait to get back to being alone and having my time, but thats so stupid. the times with people is living, sitting in my living room alone isnt living at all.not at all. i need to start living life, i know i say this often and its true. i mean i shouldnt be so hard on myself because i am starting to live life sort of. i have new friends and my old friends are back, so i have options.

i am feeling obsessed with this person chris from into the wild, i think i need to get the book and read it. but maybe not too, its really disturbing me, i dont understand it, what did he do with all that time alone? how was he not scared? or was he scared? how did he not get attacked by people or animals? there was this scene where a bear comes right to his face, but doesnt do anything to him, i think because he was too skinny and it wasnt worth it for the bear to eat. man its so frustrating knowing that there was this wire a quarter of a mile down that he could have used to cross the river and he would be okay. he wanted to leave, he was ready to get back to life, and then he was stuck. its so fucked up. its like the universe really gave him what he wanted like the old saying "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it"

if you always get up late, you'll never be on time..

This is how i feel about life right now.

Ive decided that its time to start making moves, even if they are little moves, its time to make moves. Say those things i dont usually say, spend the extra 4 minutes writing a review that i thought of on the couch, read about that band, listen to the song and judge it. I know this may sound confusing, but its not that crazy. I am trying to be proactive about life. If i do things, things will happen. If i sit idly by, nothing will ever happen for me. No love, no work, no passion. Nothing. I need to put the energy out there and hope that it will come back one day. I dont know why i choose to start writing reviews, i dont even think they are that good, but its just something im trying. I think my opinion counts on some level, and even though nobody is reading it, maybe one day they will and they will be into it! or maybe it will lead me to something new i never thought about, or maybe ill meet someone who wants me to write for them, because they like my style. i dont know. but i will never ever know if i dont try at least right? i want to write a blog everyday or at least try to, even if its a few sentences on nonsense, it is putting energy out there..

on a lighter note, i decided to try to make myself go to the gym at least 5 days a week until i go to san fran, and also to eat super healthy and have no snacks, and no burgers, or anything. just be super healthy and work out and see what happens. i want to feel my best and have the most confidence in myself when i go down there. im going to see a lot of people i havent seen in a long time, and also people who when they last saw me i was at one of my worse moments in life. i was a wasted crying mess, i dont even know what i said or did, i just know it was embarrassing, and i want to feel my best when i see them again. i dont know whats gonna happen with rm, but i hope he doesnt get all weird, and freak out about this. i really just want to hang out. i want to be with my friend, and play games and smoke weed and just chill. i hope it happens.

its a cruel cruel world to face on your own..

im feeling stuck again. i feel like a rollercoaster, i have all this momentum and do shit for a while, and talk a bunch of shit, but then it fades, something makes it fade and i fuck it all up. why does this constantly happen? one day im sooo ready to leave this place, the next im like no i want to stay, then i think why would you want to stay here? and then i go into am i just moving to try to find a dude? is this all in search of a mate? i actually said to myself today, if i met an awesome dude that lived here i wouldnt go anywhere. id figure something out and stick around here. i am happy here in many ways, its just not the relationship type place for me. i do feel disconnected from my subculture and really want to be around it, but i think its mostly to meet dudes who are into the same shit. part of me thinks im not going to be with a dude whos into the same stuff. hes gonna be into his own thing, and im gonna be the girlfriend who introduces him to a lot of music. i dont know what im doing with myself to be honest.

all i know is the more i try to save, the more money gets taken away from me. i dont know how to save up that much money to move down to la, and then when im in la how am i going to make more money? i guess im kinda stressing about money right now. i dont like having this, everytime i get down like this with cash, i tell myself im never gonna let myself get this broke again, but then a few months later im back in the same spot and im so fucking sick of it. i cant keep living like this, i need a steady income, i need a career path! i need a fucking job that i like! how do i do it? this is everyones problem. how do we do what we love and get paid for it? my problem isnt that, its finding what i love enough to put energy into. my stepmom says we dont have to know fully, we need to just pick something and go with it so we arent just standing still. it will come in handy at some point. so what does that mean for me? i just jump into moving to la? wont i be living the same life, but just in a city? i need to pick a career and go for it. really find something and do it. maybe i should apply to the radio stations here, but then when i actually think about having to go there and do that makes me kinda sick, i want to do it on my own time..which means i need to do projects for khsu and just get knowledge that way. i need to volunteer more or something.

well another day in my world passes like a dream...at least i have music.

something is squeezing my skull..

i have a headache. i seem to have them a lot these days, but i think its from weed.

i had a crazy ass weekend. friday i worked all day, then came home chilled, went to a show in eureka to see truth and salvage co, they are nikole and george's friends from LA i did an interview with them for the radio, it was really rad. i felt important doing that, i felt so professional sitting in the studio mixing and cutting the interview to be played on the radio. i think sometimes i forget how cool it is that im actually a dj. i guess i make it less than it is because its a small town, but fuck that, im really a dj! i wish i was getting paid to be one though, that would be rad.

ok moving on, saturday woke up early and drove down to the city with the fam and damon and his friend randy. i had a good time. as soon as we got to the hotel i left to go shopping. i went to sephora and h&m. bought some shit and came back, met up with megan and went to dinner. after dinner we took the bart to oakland to go see the shins! the place was amazing, it was set up like a Moroccan temple. the sound was awesome, but the crowd was lame! nobody was dancing around at all, there was no energy to it. its like all the sf hipsters came and thought it wasn't cool to enjoy themselves. those pretentious bastards! afterword i took the train back to the hotel alone. it really reminded me of the days when i lived in south philly and had to take the train to temple all the time. i always felt so awkward on the train, so many people to look at and to look at me. i usually had my headphones, so i could phase out, but on that train i didn't. i had to tough it out. then got back to the hotel and hung with dad and kris, then me and kris spent some time talking and then fell asleep.

now sunday is actually the craziest of them all! we drove down to mountain view california where the dead were playing. Yes the dead. the grateful dead minus jerry. it was my "first show" which is sort of a big deal to dead heads. i was expecting to pull up and see a million people dressed all wild ass and running around on drugs, and drinking in the parking lot and weed smoke everywhere, but it was NOTHING like that all. i imagined woodstock and got a dave matthew's concert. well not actually a dave concert but the type of people you would expect to be at one of those shows. i was in total shock and felt like an idiot. so we go in and have amazing seats, which was cool the show started and it was normal hippish, i still didnt see the intrigue associated with this band's live shows..then the show went on a bit and they played a song i knew well, "franklins tower" and i started to feel it a little more. i decided when i went there i was just gonna live it, do what people do at those shows and really get a feel for the scene..oh boy did i. i decided it was a good idea to eat a piece of magic chocolate, i took a small bite thinking it would just make me a bit more high and maybe i would see trails, well i was 100% wrong. it started out really cool, i was digging the music and feeling the vibes, at one point i even said to myself " wow i drank the kool-aid, i get it now" and then bam! i got hit with the toughest craziest heaviest waves from these mushrooms, it was so fucking intense.the music just kept going on and on and fucking on, and every time they jammed hard, i had a crazy ass wave hit me where i was crawling out my skin. it was horrible. i really wasnt having fun, i kept just wishing it would go away, kind of what ive said to myself with every drug ive took for the past two years. so i realized yet again, drugs arent good for me. no matter how chill they are, or safe i think they are, they just dont work in my body. weed is one of those too, i just havent found the will to quit that yet. i took that one week off and i felt good, but havent felt the need to do that again.

i need to re-motivate myself. i lost it. i was so jazzed on working out and eating healthy and saving up to move, but i find myself in the same spot i was in over a month ago. going to the gym randomly and eating semi-healthy. but im not doing anything else at all. i just feel so stuck. all the real shit is coming out now after my banter about nothing, but i have to get off this thing, because my eyes hurt and i feel nauseous. ill write more on this subject later, when i can really think and have something cool to say.
peace yo