its a cruel cruel world to face on your own..

im feeling stuck again. i feel like a rollercoaster, i have all this momentum and do shit for a while, and talk a bunch of shit, but then it fades, something makes it fade and i fuck it all up. why does this constantly happen? one day im sooo ready to leave this place, the next im like no i want to stay, then i think why would you want to stay here? and then i go into am i just moving to try to find a dude? is this all in search of a mate? i actually said to myself today, if i met an awesome dude that lived here i wouldnt go anywhere. id figure something out and stick around here. i am happy here in many ways, its just not the relationship type place for me. i do feel disconnected from my subculture and really want to be around it, but i think its mostly to meet dudes who are into the same shit. part of me thinks im not going to be with a dude whos into the same stuff. hes gonna be into his own thing, and im gonna be the girlfriend who introduces him to a lot of music. i dont know what im doing with myself to be honest.

all i know is the more i try to save, the more money gets taken away from me. i dont know how to save up that much money to move down to la, and then when im in la how am i going to make more money? i guess im kinda stressing about money right now. i dont like having this, everytime i get down like this with cash, i tell myself im never gonna let myself get this broke again, but then a few months later im back in the same spot and im so fucking sick of it. i cant keep living like this, i need a steady income, i need a career path! i need a fucking job that i like! how do i do it? this is everyones problem. how do we do what we love and get paid for it? my problem isnt that, its finding what i love enough to put energy into. my stepmom says we dont have to know fully, we need to just pick something and go with it so we arent just standing still. it will come in handy at some point. so what does that mean for me? i just jump into moving to la? wont i be living the same life, but just in a city? i need to pick a career and go for it. really find something and do it. maybe i should apply to the radio stations here, but then when i actually think about having to go there and do that makes me kinda sick, i want to do it on my own time..which means i need to do projects for khsu and just get knowledge that way. i need to volunteer more or something.

well another day in my world passes like a dream...at least i have music.

something is squeezing my skull..

i have a headache. i seem to have them a lot these days, but i think its from weed.

i had a crazy ass weekend. friday i worked all day, then came home chilled, went to a show in eureka to see truth and salvage co, they are nikole and george's friends from LA i did an interview with them for the radio, it was really rad. i felt important doing that, i felt so professional sitting in the studio mixing and cutting the interview to be played on the radio. i think sometimes i forget how cool it is that im actually a dj. i guess i make it less than it is because its a small town, but fuck that, im really a dj! i wish i was getting paid to be one though, that would be rad.

ok moving on, saturday woke up early and drove down to the city with the fam and damon and his friend randy. i had a good time. as soon as we got to the hotel i left to go shopping. i went to sephora and h&m. bought some shit and came back, met up with megan and went to dinner. after dinner we took the bart to oakland to go see the shins! the place was amazing, it was set up like a Moroccan temple. the sound was awesome, but the crowd was lame! nobody was dancing around at all, there was no energy to it. its like all the sf hipsters came and thought it wasn't cool to enjoy themselves. those pretentious bastards! afterword i took the train back to the hotel alone. it really reminded me of the days when i lived in south philly and had to take the train to temple all the time. i always felt so awkward on the train, so many people to look at and to look at me. i usually had my headphones, so i could phase out, but on that train i didn't. i had to tough it out. then got back to the hotel and hung with dad and kris, then me and kris spent some time talking and then fell asleep.

now sunday is actually the craziest of them all! we drove down to mountain view california where the dead were playing. Yes the dead. the grateful dead minus jerry. it was my "first show" which is sort of a big deal to dead heads. i was expecting to pull up and see a million people dressed all wild ass and running around on drugs, and drinking in the parking lot and weed smoke everywhere, but it was NOTHING like that all. i imagined woodstock and got a dave matthew's concert. well not actually a dave concert but the type of people you would expect to be at one of those shows. i was in total shock and felt like an idiot. so we go in and have amazing seats, which was cool the show started and it was normal hippish, i still didnt see the intrigue associated with this band's live shows..then the show went on a bit and they played a song i knew well, "franklins tower" and i started to feel it a little more. i decided when i went there i was just gonna live it, do what people do at those shows and really get a feel for the scene..oh boy did i. i decided it was a good idea to eat a piece of magic chocolate, i took a small bite thinking it would just make me a bit more high and maybe i would see trails, well i was 100% wrong. it started out really cool, i was digging the music and feeling the vibes, at one point i even said to myself " wow i drank the kool-aid, i get it now" and then bam! i got hit with the toughest craziest heaviest waves from these mushrooms, it was so fucking intense.the music just kept going on and on and fucking on, and every time they jammed hard, i had a crazy ass wave hit me where i was crawling out my skin. it was horrible. i really wasnt having fun, i kept just wishing it would go away, kind of what ive said to myself with every drug ive took for the past two years. so i realized yet again, drugs arent good for me. no matter how chill they are, or safe i think they are, they just dont work in my body. weed is one of those too, i just havent found the will to quit that yet. i took that one week off and i felt good, but havent felt the need to do that again.

i need to re-motivate myself. i lost it. i was so jazzed on working out and eating healthy and saving up to move, but i find myself in the same spot i was in over a month ago. going to the gym randomly and eating semi-healthy. but im not doing anything else at all. i just feel so stuck. all the real shit is coming out now after my banter about nothing, but i have to get off this thing, because my eyes hurt and i feel nauseous. ill write more on this subject later, when i can really think and have something cool to say.
peace yo

its alright, its okay, i got the time to pay..

today was a very very lazy day for me. i was torn all day dealing with my emotions. as stated earlier, i stopped smoking weed during the week and allow myself to get stoned on the weekends, but it kind of sucks. friday night i was so fucking high i barely wanted to be out, until i came down. its weird ive spent the majority of my life stoned, when in reality i should have just been sober. the talib kweli show was off the hook. i had so much fun with jenna and nate. we went out to dinner first, which was incredible. we just hung out at this new restaurant in town and the food was super good, and i didnt feel super full afterwards. they gave you just the right amount of food, and it was quality too. then we went to the show which is at this new club in eureka, which i was expecting it to be ghetto as hell, but it turned out not to be that bad. they actually had a good dj, who was playing good dance songs, and they flowed together nicely..very much unlike the dead prez show. i was a little too high at first, but then we started dancing, etc. i danced so hard it was awesome. i really let my guard down and just danced. it felt good to let it all hang out. i really needed it.

i am looking forward to my time this summer. its gonna be a nice way to leave here, filled with busy days and friends, and the river. me and jenna have so many plans planned, and then terra is coming here in june, and is planning on staying the whole summer!! im so excited for her to come here and for me to just have someone to hang out with on a regular basis. someone to call to go to lunch with or the movies, and actually enjoy my time with. not that i dont have that now, but its not the same, sometimes i feel the need to have to listen to drama or help friends deal with their issues. i dont really have anyone here besides jenna who i can just hang out with and laugh.

so much change, so much time!!

love...

is like a flower, you gotta let it grow.

i made it! today is day 5 of no weed!! wooo hooo..i really did it. im so proud of myself. i love how i want to do something, and i do it and i do it right. i wanted to smoke every single day when i got home, and i had super good reason to smoke too. ive been working so hard, and i have been in pain, and i have been in bad moods and i knew weed would make me feel better. but i didnt do it. i knew i would feel better when friday came and i went all week without weed. its more of a reward, that reward system in my brain is going to be so much happier. i just imagined myself at the talib show tonight, and when we went to smoke knowing that i was strong and kept myself from indulging. i can do anything i put my mind to! and so can you!!

i am so excited for the weekend, even though i dont really have off tomorrow. this is the first week in a long time that ive worked 5 days in a row. i know that sounds weird to all you normal people out there, but to people around here thats kinda weird. i just know that all this work is going to pay off. im putting those vibes out there in the universe and positive energy and working towards a better future.

shorty today, i gotta shower and go to work!