something is squeezing my skull..

i have a headache. i seem to have them a lot these days, but i think its from weed.

i had a crazy ass weekend. friday i worked all day, then came home chilled, went to a show in eureka to see truth and salvage co, they are nikole and george's friends from LA i did an interview with them for the radio, it was really rad. i felt important doing that, i felt so professional sitting in the studio mixing and cutting the interview to be played on the radio. i think sometimes i forget how cool it is that im actually a dj. i guess i make it less than it is because its a small town, but fuck that, im really a dj! i wish i was getting paid to be one though, that would be rad.

ok moving on, saturday woke up early and drove down to the city with the fam and damon and his friend randy. i had a good time. as soon as we got to the hotel i left to go shopping. i went to sephora and h&m. bought some shit and came back, met up with megan and went to dinner. after dinner we took the bart to oakland to go see the shins! the place was amazing, it was set up like a Moroccan temple. the sound was awesome, but the crowd was lame! nobody was dancing around at all, there was no energy to it. its like all the sf hipsters came and thought it wasn't cool to enjoy themselves. those pretentious bastards! afterword i took the train back to the hotel alone. it really reminded me of the days when i lived in south philly and had to take the train to temple all the time. i always felt so awkward on the train, so many people to look at and to look at me. i usually had my headphones, so i could phase out, but on that train i didn't. i had to tough it out. then got back to the hotel and hung with dad and kris, then me and kris spent some time talking and then fell asleep.

now sunday is actually the craziest of them all! we drove down to mountain view california where the dead were playing. Yes the dead. the grateful dead minus jerry. it was my "first show" which is sort of a big deal to dead heads. i was expecting to pull up and see a million people dressed all wild ass and running around on drugs, and drinking in the parking lot and weed smoke everywhere, but it was NOTHING like that all. i imagined woodstock and got a dave matthew's concert. well not actually a dave concert but the type of people you would expect to be at one of those shows. i was in total shock and felt like an idiot. so we go in and have amazing seats, which was cool the show started and it was normal hippish, i still didnt see the intrigue associated with this band's live shows..then the show went on a bit and they played a song i knew well, "franklins tower" and i started to feel it a little more. i decided when i went there i was just gonna live it, do what people do at those shows and really get a feel for the scene..oh boy did i. i decided it was a good idea to eat a piece of magic chocolate, i took a small bite thinking it would just make me a bit more high and maybe i would see trails, well i was 100% wrong. it started out really cool, i was digging the music and feeling the vibes, at one point i even said to myself " wow i drank the kool-aid, i get it now" and then bam! i got hit with the toughest craziest heaviest waves from these mushrooms, it was so fucking intense.the music just kept going on and on and fucking on, and every time they jammed hard, i had a crazy ass wave hit me where i was crawling out my skin. it was horrible. i really wasnt having fun, i kept just wishing it would go away, kind of what ive said to myself with every drug ive took for the past two years. so i realized yet again, drugs arent good for me. no matter how chill they are, or safe i think they are, they just dont work in my body. weed is one of those too, i just havent found the will to quit that yet. i took that one week off and i felt good, but havent felt the need to do that again.

i need to re-motivate myself. i lost it. i was so jazzed on working out and eating healthy and saving up to move, but i find myself in the same spot i was in over a month ago. going to the gym randomly and eating semi-healthy. but im not doing anything else at all. i just feel so stuck. all the real shit is coming out now after my banter about nothing, but i have to get off this thing, because my eyes hurt and i feel nauseous. ill write more on this subject later, when i can really think and have something cool to say.
peace yo

its alright, its okay, i got the time to pay..

today was a very very lazy day for me. i was torn all day dealing with my emotions. as stated earlier, i stopped smoking weed during the week and allow myself to get stoned on the weekends, but it kind of sucks. friday night i was so fucking high i barely wanted to be out, until i came down. its weird ive spent the majority of my life stoned, when in reality i should have just been sober. the talib kweli show was off the hook. i had so much fun with jenna and nate. we went out to dinner first, which was incredible. we just hung out at this new restaurant in town and the food was super good, and i didnt feel super full afterwards. they gave you just the right amount of food, and it was quality too. then we went to the show which is at this new club in eureka, which i was expecting it to be ghetto as hell, but it turned out not to be that bad. they actually had a good dj, who was playing good dance songs, and they flowed together nicely..very much unlike the dead prez show. i was a little too high at first, but then we started dancing, etc. i danced so hard it was awesome. i really let my guard down and just danced. it felt good to let it all hang out. i really needed it.

i am looking forward to my time this summer. its gonna be a nice way to leave here, filled with busy days and friends, and the river. me and jenna have so many plans planned, and then terra is coming here in june, and is planning on staying the whole summer!! im so excited for her to come here and for me to just have someone to hang out with on a regular basis. someone to call to go to lunch with or the movies, and actually enjoy my time with. not that i dont have that now, but its not the same, sometimes i feel the need to have to listen to drama or help friends deal with their issues. i dont really have anyone here besides jenna who i can just hang out with and laugh.

so much change, so much time!!

love...

is like a flower, you gotta let it grow.

i made it! today is day 5 of no weed!! wooo hooo..i really did it. im so proud of myself. i love how i want to do something, and i do it and i do it right. i wanted to smoke every single day when i got home, and i had super good reason to smoke too. ive been working so hard, and i have been in pain, and i have been in bad moods and i knew weed would make me feel better. but i didnt do it. i knew i would feel better when friday came and i went all week without weed. its more of a reward, that reward system in my brain is going to be so much happier. i just imagined myself at the talib show tonight, and when we went to smoke knowing that i was strong and kept myself from indulging. i can do anything i put my mind to! and so can you!!

i am so excited for the weekend, even though i dont really have off tomorrow. this is the first week in a long time that ive worked 5 days in a row. i know that sounds weird to all you normal people out there, but to people around here thats kinda weird. i just know that all this work is going to pay off. im putting those vibes out there in the universe and positive energy and working towards a better future.

shorty today, i gotta shower and go to work!

and im feeling good...

hear those horns in the background? good cause i wanted them there..

life is seriously only getting better and better each day that passes. today was quite interesting for me. I woke up thinking this was going to be a chill day..which of course, it wasnt. i needed to bring sofia to the groomer, she was sooo mated up, and really dirty, like i could smell her and her fur was hard to pet. I thought there was no way she would get in, but luckily she did!! I had to bring her down earlier than i planned on leaving, but it worked out well for me. I dropped her off and went to get some breakfast by myself. I went to Brio, and I never usually go there alone, but it was nice to go sit in the coffee shop alone and just be. I realized how much i never go out. This then lead to the fact that i think i keep myself locked up more than i should. i never go to town and just sit in a coffee shop ever. i really have no need to actually, so why would i? but i realized i need to be out more, i need to put myself out there to make friends and to start having a life here too. it is hard living so far up the mountain, but i put myself into this box, that i thought was the town, its just me. its all in my head, like most things to most people.

after coffee, i went to the gym with jenna. it was so nice being back there..i was on this machine i usually only do about 20 minutes on, because it drives me crazy to just be in one spot for so long, but today i pushed myself to do 25 minutes, and it was hard too! it felt good to get off that and go do other work outs. Afterward i went into the steam room and a stranger asked my advice, and it just flowed out of me, just like mya said it would. i have the gift of helping people, its just in me to do. i love it! my advice totally helped her, and i feel like i made a new friend. she also happend to be from philly!! i was all ready to go home and chill with sofia, when i got asked to work..immediatly i didnt want to, but i did! i made myself go. i couldnt turn down money no matter what. after i worked i made good money and came home tired and worn out, but it felt nice. i cleaned my house up a bit, and then sat down and watched gossip girl. Nikole called and told me her friend is looking for a house in LA with 3 other people and wants me to be their 4th!! things are really starting to come together for me. Tomorrow im working at post haste, then for my friend brian. wed work, thurs work and fri work!! 5 full days of work!! its so good. it feels good, im not even that scared of it really. i have a goal to attain, and to get that goal i need money, so work is how i get money. its not all that bad either since i got tickets to see talib kweli on friday!!

i guess the point im trying to make is, im actually doing shit just like i wanted to. i have a plan, a goal, and im taking the steps to attain that goal. im working hard and it feels good. im no longer wasting away. Oh my god and the best part is today is the first day in many years that i didnt smoke weed!!! thats another one of my goals! to only smoke on the weekend or special occasions. weed is holding me back from living life the way i should, so i decided to take charge of it. i was really tempted when i sat down to watch tv, i packed up the bowl and had the lighter in my hand twice to do it, but i put it down. i knew i was stronger than that. and i was right.

im a strong woman who has goals and is going to complete them and make a good life for herself.
holla!

my future's so bright, i gotta wear shades..

man it just really sums up how im feeling lately.

i feel like a light bulb the size of california went off in my head. i get it now. it all makes sense. everything im dealing with is so cirucluar, and its been hard to fix everything, because they are all invovled together. i feel like i have so many ideas and thoughts, and wants. i feel like i have taken that step, that step to decide im moving. its time to move on. its scary as hell but its time to move on. this is my home and everything i made it, but i can do that again. this phase is coming to close very quickly, but its all good. i feel so ready to live a life again! have a life! i really have sacrificed a lot over my lifetime, and i feel like the big pay off is coming now. i feel motivated and excited about my future, even though i have no idea where its gonna go, or how im gonna do it, it doesnt matter. im going to just do it. try it out, see if it works..if it doesnt figure something else out. everything always works out if you try hard enough, even if its not exactly what you wanted, it leads you to something better and more fitting. i think through out life we all go through these trials several times, and some of us follow it, and some of us dont. but the people who dont are the unhappy people stuck in their mondane lives wishing for something to happen. well its all about making it happen, strike when the irons hot as they say.

i feel so blessed that i am such a free spirit. i felt so bogged down my whole life, but i am so adaptable, and can just go with the flow so easily that i can remake myself happy. i am happy. i am happy to be ready to move on. i feel like i really will enjoy these last few times out here. its so funny that me and jenna became such good friends recently, because now im moving, and they always say that happens. you meet those special people as your leaving, but its all for a reason too. i feel so lucky that i live the life i do. i have it made in the shade. i do what i want, not too many people can say that. people in LA live like that too, and same in san diego. people have free schedules and are happier. they exercise and eat well, and play hard too. im ready to be in the sun all day and just doing my thing, meeting my people and living the life most people want, in hollywood.

hollywood is the place to be at 30 i think.
So Cal here I come!

Springing into fitness!!

yesterday i went to the gym with my friend jenna, and man did it whip my ass back into shape! i feel so ready to be in shape again. i always go through these periods of working out, but something always fucks it up, but the cool thing i realized that for the past two years ive been on and off with the gym, and havent really let myself get too bad. i mean my tummy def needs some work, but thats what im doing. i feel like i have a good view and idea of what i need to do. its not as hard as i always assumed it was everytime i didnt want to go workout. like today i stopped by the gym and went a took a steam then came home and took sofia out for a half hour walk. that was the hard part for me, cause i want to walk her and not walk on the stupid machine. so when i go with jenna im gonna spend some time on the machine, but then do my body works instead or maybe even start swimming. i think that would good for me. i dont know i guess im just siked to be doign positive things for myself ive been getting really really proud of who i am and who ive become lately. i feel like i got my shit together and it feels so good! im so happy!! i dont even feel worried about a relationship. today when i was talking to matt i felt a little weird cause we were talking tattoos and hes not too into them, he says less is more, and we were discussing and i got the feeling he didnt like them that much, but then i realized who the fuck cares. its me, take me or leave me. if he doesnt like me as is, then fuck it. that was the first time ive really truely thought that, i ususally would hide some parts of me from dudes cause i would be scared they wouldnt like me anymore, but now i dont care at all. someone is gonna love me for me. and im gonna be a lot hotter when i work out for a while, cause i dont drink anymore so there is nothing stopping me from losing this fat!!! yesss.

thirty or something..

i had my 30th birthday party tonight. my real birthday isnt until next tuesday, the 10th, but tonight was the only night i could do it. i really just wanted to get everyone together and celebrate being home, and celebrate the history of me and it totally was. so many people came out that i havent seen in years, people i went to high school with, and people who ive just known over the years. it really made me feel loved. i felt like i mattered to people enough that they came out to see me and help me celebrate my birthday. its kinda egotistical to have a birthday party, or any party for yourself, i feel. but it was totally worth it. im really learning to accept myself, and love myself, and accept the fact that i matter to people. i existit and am not invisible like i felt like for my whole life. i matter! i am special to people, because people have always been special to me, and i never really felt like i could accept them feeling that way towards me, but they do they really do. i am also glad that i didnt drink. it felt so good to be sober the whole time, and just be at the party. not getting wasted and making a fool out of myself. i really just got to be in the moment, and im going to remember it so well. i have no regrets, and i know if i drank i would feel stupid about one thing or another, but not this time. i smoked a little bit of weed, but not even that much. i felt confident, i felt like myself. i am happy about the way i turned out. i have spent a really long time trying to find myself, and figure things out, and let things go, and i feel like i did. im so different and it shows.

while driving home, boys 2 men's "end of the road" came on the radio, and i really feel like it fit the mood of tonight. eventhough my road kinda went full circle, it still seemed to fit. big things are coming for me, i feel it and people around me feel it too. its all gonna happen so quick, its going to be amazing! so i guess im kinda at the end of my road, the end of my twenties, the end of being single, the end of being weird in philly, the end of the old melissa. awesome. goodnight.