thirty or something..

i had my 30th birthday party tonight. my real birthday isnt until next tuesday, the 10th, but tonight was the only night i could do it. i really just wanted to get everyone together and celebrate being home, and celebrate the history of me and it totally was. so many people came out that i havent seen in years, people i went to high school with, and people who ive just known over the years. it really made me feel loved. i felt like i mattered to people enough that they came out to see me and help me celebrate my birthday. its kinda egotistical to have a birthday party, or any party for yourself, i feel. but it was totally worth it. im really learning to accept myself, and love myself, and accept the fact that i matter to people. i existit and am not invisible like i felt like for my whole life. i matter! i am special to people, because people have always been special to me, and i never really felt like i could accept them feeling that way towards me, but they do they really do. i am also glad that i didnt drink. it felt so good to be sober the whole time, and just be at the party. not getting wasted and making a fool out of myself. i really just got to be in the moment, and im going to remember it so well. i have no regrets, and i know if i drank i would feel stupid about one thing or another, but not this time. i smoked a little bit of weed, but not even that much. i felt confident, i felt like myself. i am happy about the way i turned out. i have spent a really long time trying to find myself, and figure things out, and let things go, and i feel like i did. im so different and it shows.

while driving home, boys 2 men's "end of the road" came on the radio, and i really feel like it fit the mood of tonight. eventhough my road kinda went full circle, it still seemed to fit. big things are coming for me, i feel it and people around me feel it too. its all gonna happen so quick, its going to be amazing! so i guess im kinda at the end of my road, the end of my twenties, the end of being single, the end of being weird in philly, the end of the old melissa. awesome. goodnight.

work

work just feels good. there was this period in my life where i thought work was the worst thing in the world. now i dont mind it so much, maybe its because i dont have to do it that often. i look forward to having to spend a day working hard and making money to do it. i think its the way the world should run. which it is. there is a special quality of not working, and having your whole day to do whatever you want with it. the thing i learned was that when you have the time to do everything you do nothing. its not only true for me, its true for this whole town. people who do stuff without a job, actually made themselves a job, they keep busy. i think humans are maybe meant to keep busy. we have these brains that do more than we even know, there is now way its content with just sitting around all day watching tv. we have muscles and bodys that can do things. we should be using these things until we cant. i wish more people would see that the grass is always greener when it comes to the job world. the cool thing is that people are making more and more at home jobs, which seems to work out the best. you get to do both, hang out but work too. this whole idea of going to the office at 9 and staying there til 5 is so old school. i mean there are people out there who love to go to work, and feel its their duty, like my dad. but fuck that. not me. im gonna figure out a way to work hard as fuck, but do it on my own terms. these people who do blogs and making all this money, its crazy. i need to figure out a way to do that, i need my niche. i need my thing, i do well and that entertains others. i know it exists.

who wants to be a slumdog..dawg??

yo that movie was good.

i havent heard anything else about it honestly. that seems to be the concensus. i didnt really know what it was about, i just saw the trailer once, and knew i wanted to see it. i kinda didnt read up on it on purpose, sometimes i like going to movies and not ireally knowing what im in for in any way. i was pleasantly surprised by how good it was. it was just done right. it kept my interest the entire time, and moved along nicely. the music fit the scenes so well, and the actors did a fab job. i hope more bollywood movies make it here. i feel like americans dont really do the whole foreign film thing the way they should. everywhere else in the world, all of our crappy movies play and we do get lucky in little art houses to see them, but they are few and far between, esp where i live. i guess i just mean, im sure there are a lot more great films we dont get the chance to see.

when i left the movies, i walked outside and saw the most beautiful sunset. it was so nice to have that feeling after leaving that movie. it was so filled with the darker side of life, having to do anything to just survive. they beat so many odds, and made it through the worst shit ive ever seen. the worst part is, im sure thats real. im sure that there are thousands of kids who had that same back story. i just felt really happy to be alive, and to have the life that i have. i feel blessed in so many ways, i cant even explain. i may have had my bad part of life, but i worked past it and have learned so much from it. nothing i went through is anywhere near what some have to endure. i try to remember how lucky i am all the time. i live in a beautiful place. eventhough im planning on moving, its still so nice and i have the easy life right now. ready to have some challanges. i guess i just feel siked to be alive and have what i have. its always good to reflect and respect your position in life.

motivation station..

i realized recently, then i was told the same thing..

"if you just start doing things, then good things will come to you." pretty much the power of positive thought. just being busy and having a goal really helps the universe stay open to the things you want. if you make sacrifices and things you dont want to do, its hard work and it will always pay off. things dont come to people who sit around. change only comes when you activate it. i read my horoscope for this year and a main theme was oppurtunities are going to come to me, but i need to ready for them and take them when they come. i need to answer the phone, or ads, i just need to keep open minded and open to change.

change is good.
keeping busy is good.
having goals are good.

life will be good.

its been a long, long time coming...but i know..change gonna come..

oh yes it will..

today is so huge. we finally have a new president. a president who is normal. who cares about us, as a nation. a person who really wants to help our whole country, and stop this war. watching obama become our president today really affected me. ive been feeling so much change going on inside me, and around me, but i havent really stopped to think about how much that correlates with the whole country. we are all going through change. racists are having to realize that they are in the old school way of thought, finally. the internet, and new technology and medicines all these things that most of us knew were available but not being used properly in the country are about to be used. he is a smart man, who is really going to make a difference.

i felt the energy of the country switch today while watching the inauguration. it felt fresh, new, clean. there wasnt some old white guy standing on the stage pretending to care about the people, but really cant wait to go scratch his friends back and be a fat cat up in the white house. we had a man up there, who is going to stop celebrating today and go do work. hes so eager to change things, that hes ready to work. he realizes that he doesnt need to be at a parade all day, thats for the people who got him there. he needs to do what he was hired to do, change this country out of the horribleness that was left from the last administration.

im actually proud to be an american today. i never could really say that before, or thought to. but today im proud, im proud to be alive and to be young, and get to see the huge part of history im living in. i will talk about this day forever. i will pass on the importance to younger generations who are lucky enough to never think anything about it. we grew up in a world full of hatred racists, and they wont have to. well there will be racists, but they are quickly becoming the underdogs.

OBAMA!!!!

faith and futures..

I've been going through things in my head a lot these days. i really feel like I'm growing up in such the cliche way. i mean IMO noticing things that people always say, or do or that I've just seen older people do, or say or act, and those cliches are so true. you really do freak out when you turn 30. the thing is, I'm not freaking out in a bad way, I'm freaking out in a good way. i really want to save money, i want to have a career and a family. for the first time in my life i want those types of things. i don tknow if its because Ive been seeing so many people i grew up with from facebook, and seeing their lives and their families. it really puts things in prospective. I'm tired of living this life of solitude and distance and being withdrawn from others. i feel like I'm healed up pretty good. i went through a lot in my life that really messed me up as a person, and i feel Ive now gone through it, sifted it out and got through it. i accept my past and use it as a catalyst to have a better life. i knew moving here was to heal, over the 2 years Ive lived here, I've gone back and fourth about if i was ever gonna move. it was always in the back of my head, but i got really comfortable with the way my life is. money is easy, work is plentiful, the living is the easiest. very chill, very open to what i want it to be, but I'm done with all that. I'm ready to be busy and to work towards a goal. I'm ready to move. yup i said it. I'm ready to move outta Humboldt. my goal right now is to save save save!! the more money i save the better. i decided to cut down on a lot of extras, start living like I'm broke as hell. no going out to eat too much, no extensive shopping, more careful grocery trips, maybe not everything organic. i really need to scrape through, and save. once i do this, i open myself up to do and go anywhere. there are 4 realistic options.
1-LA-nikole and george are there. my life would be filled with people and fun, and family. i would be so comfortable and be able to have my own life, but be a big part of nikoles again. the weather is incredible. sunny days all the time, opportunities everywhere for work and new things to learn.
2-Berkeley-i have two friends, tibby and Megan who live there. i think its a great little town close to san fran, but has its own personality. there is a college so its still hip, but suburby kinda. culture all around, very chill people, health conscious, shopping, good shows, still in northern cali, close to Humboldt to go up and work sometimes, close to family.
3-Philadelphia-the home town, family, friends, very very comfy, but its where i left. i feel like i can never go back there. there is a part of me that will always miss it and always include it in my thoughts on moving. family is huge, family parties, help, but then drama and dealing with craziness of my brothers baby and just plain drama between everyone. getting stuck in old patterns, etc.
4-Washington, DC-Terra lives there, bill lives close and Ernie lives there, and Garrett lives close. i would have a good friend base to hang with and meet people. its a train ride away from philly, still has east coast charm. good shows, restaurants, Obama will be president, so cool time to live there. history and such. downfall is the freezing cold!! and expensive, and what would i do for work?

well i guess that question is for all those places, what would i do for work?? I'm leaving it up to the universe to just guide me where I'm supposed to go. i feel like something will happen to lead me where I'm going to live. my job is to make some sort of career and save money and it will all fall into place.

faith.
is what i have in my future.

truly disappointed...

what a bum of a day. the eagles lost the game. we had our chance to go to the superbowl and totally blew it. its so weird to me. we came back from being killed, 3 touchdowns in a row, holding the other team back, then they get one lousy touchdown and we freeze up? cant make 3rd downs? i sat there in disbelief for a few minutes, like a statue. how could this be happing i kept thinking to myself. how the hell is this happening, this isnt the way its supposed to go..something changed. something changed in the fabric of time. that game was ours, that superbowl was ours..but one thing happend to change it and i wish i knew what it was..i may sound crazy, well i may not because there is a large possiblity that nobody read this thing. but ever since the phillies won the world series, i knew the eagles would win the bowl. the whole seaon seemed too crazy for that to really happen. we were too far behind, bottom of our division. not a chance. then the fates turned, people got shot, teams broke, teams slipped up terrible teams actually won! we were there, we made it to the playoffs, and we fucking killed it. we worked hard to get to the championship and we fucking blew it.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

fucking blew it.

as morrissey says: truly disappointed, truly truly truly ahhhhhhh