and im feeling good...

hear those horns in the background? good cause i wanted them there..

life is seriously only getting better and better each day that passes. today was quite interesting for me. I woke up thinking this was going to be a chill day..which of course, it wasnt. i needed to bring sofia to the groomer, she was sooo mated up, and really dirty, like i could smell her and her fur was hard to pet. I thought there was no way she would get in, but luckily she did!! I had to bring her down earlier than i planned on leaving, but it worked out well for me. I dropped her off and went to get some breakfast by myself. I went to Brio, and I never usually go there alone, but it was nice to go sit in the coffee shop alone and just be. I realized how much i never go out. This then lead to the fact that i think i keep myself locked up more than i should. i never go to town and just sit in a coffee shop ever. i really have no need to actually, so why would i? but i realized i need to be out more, i need to put myself out there to make friends and to start having a life here too. it is hard living so far up the mountain, but i put myself into this box, that i thought was the town, its just me. its all in my head, like most things to most people.

after coffee, i went to the gym with jenna. it was so nice being back there..i was on this machine i usually only do about 20 minutes on, because it drives me crazy to just be in one spot for so long, but today i pushed myself to do 25 minutes, and it was hard too! it felt good to get off that and go do other work outs. Afterward i went into the steam room and a stranger asked my advice, and it just flowed out of me, just like mya said it would. i have the gift of helping people, its just in me to do. i love it! my advice totally helped her, and i feel like i made a new friend. she also happend to be from philly!! i was all ready to go home and chill with sofia, when i got asked to work..immediatly i didnt want to, but i did! i made myself go. i couldnt turn down money no matter what. after i worked i made good money and came home tired and worn out, but it felt nice. i cleaned my house up a bit, and then sat down and watched gossip girl. Nikole called and told me her friend is looking for a house in LA with 3 other people and wants me to be their 4th!! things are really starting to come together for me. Tomorrow im working at post haste, then for my friend brian. wed work, thurs work and fri work!! 5 full days of work!! its so good. it feels good, im not even that scared of it really. i have a goal to attain, and to get that goal i need money, so work is how i get money. its not all that bad either since i got tickets to see talib kweli on friday!!

i guess the point im trying to make is, im actually doing shit just like i wanted to. i have a plan, a goal, and im taking the steps to attain that goal. im working hard and it feels good. im no longer wasting away. Oh my god and the best part is today is the first day in many years that i didnt smoke weed!!! thats another one of my goals! to only smoke on the weekend or special occasions. weed is holding me back from living life the way i should, so i decided to take charge of it. i was really tempted when i sat down to watch tv, i packed up the bowl and had the lighter in my hand twice to do it, but i put it down. i knew i was stronger than that. and i was right.

im a strong woman who has goals and is going to complete them and make a good life for herself.
holla!

my future's so bright, i gotta wear shades..

man it just really sums up how im feeling lately.

i feel like a light bulb the size of california went off in my head. i get it now. it all makes sense. everything im dealing with is so cirucluar, and its been hard to fix everything, because they are all invovled together. i feel like i have so many ideas and thoughts, and wants. i feel like i have taken that step, that step to decide im moving. its time to move on. its scary as hell but its time to move on. this is my home and everything i made it, but i can do that again. this phase is coming to close very quickly, but its all good. i feel so ready to live a life again! have a life! i really have sacrificed a lot over my lifetime, and i feel like the big pay off is coming now. i feel motivated and excited about my future, even though i have no idea where its gonna go, or how im gonna do it, it doesnt matter. im going to just do it. try it out, see if it works..if it doesnt figure something else out. everything always works out if you try hard enough, even if its not exactly what you wanted, it leads you to something better and more fitting. i think through out life we all go through these trials several times, and some of us follow it, and some of us dont. but the people who dont are the unhappy people stuck in their mondane lives wishing for something to happen. well its all about making it happen, strike when the irons hot as they say.

i feel so blessed that i am such a free spirit. i felt so bogged down my whole life, but i am so adaptable, and can just go with the flow so easily that i can remake myself happy. i am happy. i am happy to be ready to move on. i feel like i really will enjoy these last few times out here. its so funny that me and jenna became such good friends recently, because now im moving, and they always say that happens. you meet those special people as your leaving, but its all for a reason too. i feel so lucky that i live the life i do. i have it made in the shade. i do what i want, not too many people can say that. people in LA live like that too, and same in san diego. people have free schedules and are happier. they exercise and eat well, and play hard too. im ready to be in the sun all day and just doing my thing, meeting my people and living the life most people want, in hollywood.

hollywood is the place to be at 30 i think.
So Cal here I come!

Springing into fitness!!

yesterday i went to the gym with my friend jenna, and man did it whip my ass back into shape! i feel so ready to be in shape again. i always go through these periods of working out, but something always fucks it up, but the cool thing i realized that for the past two years ive been on and off with the gym, and havent really let myself get too bad. i mean my tummy def needs some work, but thats what im doing. i feel like i have a good view and idea of what i need to do. its not as hard as i always assumed it was everytime i didnt want to go workout. like today i stopped by the gym and went a took a steam then came home and took sofia out for a half hour walk. that was the hard part for me, cause i want to walk her and not walk on the stupid machine. so when i go with jenna im gonna spend some time on the machine, but then do my body works instead or maybe even start swimming. i think that would good for me. i dont know i guess im just siked to be doign positive things for myself ive been getting really really proud of who i am and who ive become lately. i feel like i got my shit together and it feels so good! im so happy!! i dont even feel worried about a relationship. today when i was talking to matt i felt a little weird cause we were talking tattoos and hes not too into them, he says less is more, and we were discussing and i got the feeling he didnt like them that much, but then i realized who the fuck cares. its me, take me or leave me. if he doesnt like me as is, then fuck it. that was the first time ive really truely thought that, i ususally would hide some parts of me from dudes cause i would be scared they wouldnt like me anymore, but now i dont care at all. someone is gonna love me for me. and im gonna be a lot hotter when i work out for a while, cause i dont drink anymore so there is nothing stopping me from losing this fat!!! yesss.

thirty or something..

i had my 30th birthday party tonight. my real birthday isnt until next tuesday, the 10th, but tonight was the only night i could do it. i really just wanted to get everyone together and celebrate being home, and celebrate the history of me and it totally was. so many people came out that i havent seen in years, people i went to high school with, and people who ive just known over the years. it really made me feel loved. i felt like i mattered to people enough that they came out to see me and help me celebrate my birthday. its kinda egotistical to have a birthday party, or any party for yourself, i feel. but it was totally worth it. im really learning to accept myself, and love myself, and accept the fact that i matter to people. i existit and am not invisible like i felt like for my whole life. i matter! i am special to people, because people have always been special to me, and i never really felt like i could accept them feeling that way towards me, but they do they really do. i am also glad that i didnt drink. it felt so good to be sober the whole time, and just be at the party. not getting wasted and making a fool out of myself. i really just got to be in the moment, and im going to remember it so well. i have no regrets, and i know if i drank i would feel stupid about one thing or another, but not this time. i smoked a little bit of weed, but not even that much. i felt confident, i felt like myself. i am happy about the way i turned out. i have spent a really long time trying to find myself, and figure things out, and let things go, and i feel like i did. im so different and it shows.

while driving home, boys 2 men's "end of the road" came on the radio, and i really feel like it fit the mood of tonight. eventhough my road kinda went full circle, it still seemed to fit. big things are coming for me, i feel it and people around me feel it too. its all gonna happen so quick, its going to be amazing! so i guess im kinda at the end of my road, the end of my twenties, the end of being single, the end of being weird in philly, the end of the old melissa. awesome. goodnight.

work

work just feels good. there was this period in my life where i thought work was the worst thing in the world. now i dont mind it so much, maybe its because i dont have to do it that often. i look forward to having to spend a day working hard and making money to do it. i think its the way the world should run. which it is. there is a special quality of not working, and having your whole day to do whatever you want with it. the thing i learned was that when you have the time to do everything you do nothing. its not only true for me, its true for this whole town. people who do stuff without a job, actually made themselves a job, they keep busy. i think humans are maybe meant to keep busy. we have these brains that do more than we even know, there is now way its content with just sitting around all day watching tv. we have muscles and bodys that can do things. we should be using these things until we cant. i wish more people would see that the grass is always greener when it comes to the job world. the cool thing is that people are making more and more at home jobs, which seems to work out the best. you get to do both, hang out but work too. this whole idea of going to the office at 9 and staying there til 5 is so old school. i mean there are people out there who love to go to work, and feel its their duty, like my dad. but fuck that. not me. im gonna figure out a way to work hard as fuck, but do it on my own terms. these people who do blogs and making all this money, its crazy. i need to figure out a way to do that, i need my niche. i need my thing, i do well and that entertains others. i know it exists.

who wants to be a slumdog..dawg??

yo that movie was good.

i havent heard anything else about it honestly. that seems to be the concensus. i didnt really know what it was about, i just saw the trailer once, and knew i wanted to see it. i kinda didnt read up on it on purpose, sometimes i like going to movies and not ireally knowing what im in for in any way. i was pleasantly surprised by how good it was. it was just done right. it kept my interest the entire time, and moved along nicely. the music fit the scenes so well, and the actors did a fab job. i hope more bollywood movies make it here. i feel like americans dont really do the whole foreign film thing the way they should. everywhere else in the world, all of our crappy movies play and we do get lucky in little art houses to see them, but they are few and far between, esp where i live. i guess i just mean, im sure there are a lot more great films we dont get the chance to see.

when i left the movies, i walked outside and saw the most beautiful sunset. it was so nice to have that feeling after leaving that movie. it was so filled with the darker side of life, having to do anything to just survive. they beat so many odds, and made it through the worst shit ive ever seen. the worst part is, im sure thats real. im sure that there are thousands of kids who had that same back story. i just felt really happy to be alive, and to have the life that i have. i feel blessed in so many ways, i cant even explain. i may have had my bad part of life, but i worked past it and have learned so much from it. nothing i went through is anywhere near what some have to endure. i try to remember how lucky i am all the time. i live in a beautiful place. eventhough im planning on moving, its still so nice and i have the easy life right now. ready to have some challanges. i guess i just feel siked to be alive and have what i have. its always good to reflect and respect your position in life.

motivation station..

i realized recently, then i was told the same thing..

"if you just start doing things, then good things will come to you." pretty much the power of positive thought. just being busy and having a goal really helps the universe stay open to the things you want. if you make sacrifices and things you dont want to do, its hard work and it will always pay off. things dont come to people who sit around. change only comes when you activate it. i read my horoscope for this year and a main theme was oppurtunities are going to come to me, but i need to ready for them and take them when they come. i need to answer the phone, or ads, i just need to keep open minded and open to change.

change is good.
keeping busy is good.
having goals are good.

life will be good.