i just watched "into the wild" and damn did that movie really make me feel weird. i wasnt really ready to sit down and watch a movie, but it came on and i got sucked in automatically..i had heard that it was an excellent movie and had planned on watching it sometime, but i guess tonight was the night it was supposed to happen. i really loved the poetic theme of the film, and how philosophical it is. the whole idea of just leaving all these things behind and living like our ancestors in the wild is a noble idea indeed, but very fucking stupid. i felt so uncomfortable and anxious towards the end when he was starving, and his body was barely nothing. i felt so angry at him, it was his fault! he decided to do this haphazardly and it was stupid! he touched so many peoples lives and esp the old guy ron. he asked him to join his family and he said when he came back, thats the thing, he had all plans to come back but was trapped. he didnt bring a map, so he couldnt find his way out. its so horrible. that poor kid, he essentially killed himself. the worst part is he didnt want to, he realized that being alone wasnt happiness, he said happiness is found in sharing, and that really hit home for me. i spend so much time alone, and when people are around me sometimes i kind of cant wait to get back to being alone and having my time, but thats so stupid. the times with people is living, sitting in my living room alone isnt living at all.not at all. i need to start living life, i know i say this often and its true. i mean i shouldnt be so hard on myself because i am starting to live life sort of. i have new friends and my old friends are back, so i have options.
i am feeling obsessed with this person chris from into the wild, i think i need to get the book and read it. but maybe not too, its really disturbing me, i dont understand it, what did he do with all that time alone? how was he not scared? or was he scared? how did he not get attacked by people or animals? there was this scene where a bear comes right to his face, but doesnt do anything to him, i think because he was too skinny and it wasnt worth it for the bear to eat. man its so frustrating knowing that there was this wire a quarter of a mile down that he could have used to cross the river and he would be okay. he wanted to leave, he was ready to get back to life, and then he was stuck. its so fucked up. its like the universe really gave him what he wanted like the old saying "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it"
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
if you always get up late, you'll never be on time..
This is how i feel about life right now.
Ive decided that its time to start making moves, even if they are little moves, its time to make moves. Say those things i dont usually say, spend the extra 4 minutes writing a review that i thought of on the couch, read about that band, listen to the song and judge it. I know this may sound confusing, but its not that crazy. I am trying to be proactive about life. If i do things, things will happen. If i sit idly by, nothing will ever happen for me. No love, no work, no passion. Nothing. I need to put the energy out there and hope that it will come back one day. I dont know why i choose to start writing reviews, i dont even think they are that good, but its just something im trying. I think my opinion counts on some level, and even though nobody is reading it, maybe one day they will and they will be into it! or maybe it will lead me to something new i never thought about, or maybe ill meet someone who wants me to write for them, because they like my style. i dont know. but i will never ever know if i dont try at least right? i want to write a blog everyday or at least try to, even if its a few sentences on nonsense, it is putting energy out there..
on a lighter note, i decided to try to make myself go to the gym at least 5 days a week until i go to san fran, and also to eat super healthy and have no snacks, and no burgers, or anything. just be super healthy and work out and see what happens. i want to feel my best and have the most confidence in myself when i go down there. im going to see a lot of people i havent seen in a long time, and also people who when they last saw me i was at one of my worse moments in life. i was a wasted crying mess, i dont even know what i said or did, i just know it was embarrassing, and i want to feel my best when i see them again. i dont know whats gonna happen with rm, but i hope he doesnt get all weird, and freak out about this. i really just want to hang out. i want to be with my friend, and play games and smoke weed and just chill. i hope it happens.
Ive decided that its time to start making moves, even if they are little moves, its time to make moves. Say those things i dont usually say, spend the extra 4 minutes writing a review that i thought of on the couch, read about that band, listen to the song and judge it. I know this may sound confusing, but its not that crazy. I am trying to be proactive about life. If i do things, things will happen. If i sit idly by, nothing will ever happen for me. No love, no work, no passion. Nothing. I need to put the energy out there and hope that it will come back one day. I dont know why i choose to start writing reviews, i dont even think they are that good, but its just something im trying. I think my opinion counts on some level, and even though nobody is reading it, maybe one day they will and they will be into it! or maybe it will lead me to something new i never thought about, or maybe ill meet someone who wants me to write for them, because they like my style. i dont know. but i will never ever know if i dont try at least right? i want to write a blog everyday or at least try to, even if its a few sentences on nonsense, it is putting energy out there..
on a lighter note, i decided to try to make myself go to the gym at least 5 days a week until i go to san fran, and also to eat super healthy and have no snacks, and no burgers, or anything. just be super healthy and work out and see what happens. i want to feel my best and have the most confidence in myself when i go down there. im going to see a lot of people i havent seen in a long time, and also people who when they last saw me i was at one of my worse moments in life. i was a wasted crying mess, i dont even know what i said or did, i just know it was embarrassing, and i want to feel my best when i see them again. i dont know whats gonna happen with rm, but i hope he doesnt get all weird, and freak out about this. i really just want to hang out. i want to be with my friend, and play games and smoke weed and just chill. i hope it happens.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
its a cruel cruel world to face on your own..
im feeling stuck again. i feel like a rollercoaster, i have all this momentum and do shit for a while, and talk a bunch of shit, but then it fades, something makes it fade and i fuck it all up. why does this constantly happen? one day im sooo ready to leave this place, the next im like no i want to stay, then i think why would you want to stay here? and then i go into am i just moving to try to find a dude? is this all in search of a mate? i actually said to myself today, if i met an awesome dude that lived here i wouldnt go anywhere. id figure something out and stick around here. i am happy here in many ways, its just not the relationship type place for me. i do feel disconnected from my subculture and really want to be around it, but i think its mostly to meet dudes who are into the same shit. part of me thinks im not going to be with a dude whos into the same stuff. hes gonna be into his own thing, and im gonna be the girlfriend who introduces him to a lot of music. i dont know what im doing with myself to be honest.
all i know is the more i try to save, the more money gets taken away from me. i dont know how to save up that much money to move down to la, and then when im in la how am i going to make more money? i guess im kinda stressing about money right now. i dont like having this, everytime i get down like this with cash, i tell myself im never gonna let myself get this broke again, but then a few months later im back in the same spot and im so fucking sick of it. i cant keep living like this, i need a steady income, i need a career path! i need a fucking job that i like! how do i do it? this is everyones problem. how do we do what we love and get paid for it? my problem isnt that, its finding what i love enough to put energy into. my stepmom says we dont have to know fully, we need to just pick something and go with it so we arent just standing still. it will come in handy at some point. so what does that mean for me? i just jump into moving to la? wont i be living the same life, but just in a city? i need to pick a career and go for it. really find something and do it. maybe i should apply to the radio stations here, but then when i actually think about having to go there and do that makes me kinda sick, i want to do it on my own time..which means i need to do projects for khsu and just get knowledge that way. i need to volunteer more or something.
well another day in my world passes like a dream...at least i have music.
all i know is the more i try to save, the more money gets taken away from me. i dont know how to save up that much money to move down to la, and then when im in la how am i going to make more money? i guess im kinda stressing about money right now. i dont like having this, everytime i get down like this with cash, i tell myself im never gonna let myself get this broke again, but then a few months later im back in the same spot and im so fucking sick of it. i cant keep living like this, i need a steady income, i need a career path! i need a fucking job that i like! how do i do it? this is everyones problem. how do we do what we love and get paid for it? my problem isnt that, its finding what i love enough to put energy into. my stepmom says we dont have to know fully, we need to just pick something and go with it so we arent just standing still. it will come in handy at some point. so what does that mean for me? i just jump into moving to la? wont i be living the same life, but just in a city? i need to pick a career and go for it. really find something and do it. maybe i should apply to the radio stations here, but then when i actually think about having to go there and do that makes me kinda sick, i want to do it on my own time..which means i need to do projects for khsu and just get knowledge that way. i need to volunteer more or something.
well another day in my world passes like a dream...at least i have music.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
something is squeezing my skull..
i have a headache. i seem to have them a lot these days, but i think its from weed.
i had a crazy ass weekend. friday i worked all day, then came home chilled, went to a show in eureka to see truth and salvage co, they are nikole and george's friends from LA i did an interview with them for the radio, it was really rad. i felt important doing that, i felt so professional sitting in the studio mixing and cutting the interview to be played on the radio. i think sometimes i forget how cool it is that im actually a dj. i guess i make it less than it is because its a small town, but fuck that, im really a dj! i wish i was getting paid to be one though, that would be rad.
ok moving on, saturday woke up early and drove down to the city with the fam and damon and his friend randy. i had a good time. as soon as we got to the hotel i left to go shopping. i went to sephora and h&m. bought some shit and came back, met up with megan and went to dinner. after dinner we took the bart to oakland to go see the shins! the place was amazing, it was set up like a Moroccan temple. the sound was awesome, but the crowd was lame! nobody was dancing around at all, there was no energy to it. its like all the sf hipsters came and thought it wasn't cool to enjoy themselves. those pretentious bastards! afterword i took the train back to the hotel alone. it really reminded me of the days when i lived in south philly and had to take the train to temple all the time. i always felt so awkward on the train, so many people to look at and to look at me. i usually had my headphones, so i could phase out, but on that train i didn't. i had to tough it out. then got back to the hotel and hung with dad and kris, then me and kris spent some time talking and then fell asleep.
now sunday is actually the craziest of them all! we drove down to mountain view california where the dead were playing. Yes the dead. the grateful dead minus jerry. it was my "first show" which is sort of a big deal to dead heads. i was expecting to pull up and see a million people dressed all wild ass and running around on drugs, and drinking in the parking lot and weed smoke everywhere, but it was NOTHING like that all. i imagined woodstock and got a dave matthew's concert. well not actually a dave concert but the type of people you would expect to be at one of those shows. i was in total shock and felt like an idiot. so we go in and have amazing seats, which was cool the show started and it was normal hippish, i still didnt see the intrigue associated with this band's live shows..then the show went on a bit and they played a song i knew well, "franklins tower" and i started to feel it a little more. i decided when i went there i was just gonna live it, do what people do at those shows and really get a feel for the scene..oh boy did i. i decided it was a good idea to eat a piece of magic chocolate, i took a small bite thinking it would just make me a bit more high and maybe i would see trails, well i was 100% wrong. it started out really cool, i was digging the music and feeling the vibes, at one point i even said to myself " wow i drank the kool-aid, i get it now" and then bam! i got hit with the toughest craziest heaviest waves from these mushrooms, it was so fucking intense.the music just kept going on and on and fucking on, and every time they jammed hard, i had a crazy ass wave hit me where i was crawling out my skin. it was horrible. i really wasnt having fun, i kept just wishing it would go away, kind of what ive said to myself with every drug ive took for the past two years. so i realized yet again, drugs arent good for me. no matter how chill they are, or safe i think they are, they just dont work in my body. weed is one of those too, i just havent found the will to quit that yet. i took that one week off and i felt good, but havent felt the need to do that again.
i need to re-motivate myself. i lost it. i was so jazzed on working out and eating healthy and saving up to move, but i find myself in the same spot i was in over a month ago. going to the gym randomly and eating semi-healthy. but im not doing anything else at all. i just feel so stuck. all the real shit is coming out now after my banter about nothing, but i have to get off this thing, because my eyes hurt and i feel nauseous. ill write more on this subject later, when i can really think and have something cool to say.
peace yo
i had a crazy ass weekend. friday i worked all day, then came home chilled, went to a show in eureka to see truth and salvage co, they are nikole and george's friends from LA i did an interview with them for the radio, it was really rad. i felt important doing that, i felt so professional sitting in the studio mixing and cutting the interview to be played on the radio. i think sometimes i forget how cool it is that im actually a dj. i guess i make it less than it is because its a small town, but fuck that, im really a dj! i wish i was getting paid to be one though, that would be rad.
ok moving on, saturday woke up early and drove down to the city with the fam and damon and his friend randy. i had a good time. as soon as we got to the hotel i left to go shopping. i went to sephora and h&m. bought some shit and came back, met up with megan and went to dinner. after dinner we took the bart to oakland to go see the shins! the place was amazing, it was set up like a Moroccan temple. the sound was awesome, but the crowd was lame! nobody was dancing around at all, there was no energy to it. its like all the sf hipsters came and thought it wasn't cool to enjoy themselves. those pretentious bastards! afterword i took the train back to the hotel alone. it really reminded me of the days when i lived in south philly and had to take the train to temple all the time. i always felt so awkward on the train, so many people to look at and to look at me. i usually had my headphones, so i could phase out, but on that train i didn't. i had to tough it out. then got back to the hotel and hung with dad and kris, then me and kris spent some time talking and then fell asleep.
now sunday is actually the craziest of them all! we drove down to mountain view california where the dead were playing. Yes the dead. the grateful dead minus jerry. it was my "first show" which is sort of a big deal to dead heads. i was expecting to pull up and see a million people dressed all wild ass and running around on drugs, and drinking in the parking lot and weed smoke everywhere, but it was NOTHING like that all. i imagined woodstock and got a dave matthew's concert. well not actually a dave concert but the type of people you would expect to be at one of those shows. i was in total shock and felt like an idiot. so we go in and have amazing seats, which was cool the show started and it was normal hippish, i still didnt see the intrigue associated with this band's live shows..then the show went on a bit and they played a song i knew well, "franklins tower" and i started to feel it a little more. i decided when i went there i was just gonna live it, do what people do at those shows and really get a feel for the scene..oh boy did i. i decided it was a good idea to eat a piece of magic chocolate, i took a small bite thinking it would just make me a bit more high and maybe i would see trails, well i was 100% wrong. it started out really cool, i was digging the music and feeling the vibes, at one point i even said to myself " wow i drank the kool-aid, i get it now" and then bam! i got hit with the toughest craziest heaviest waves from these mushrooms, it was so fucking intense.the music just kept going on and on and fucking on, and every time they jammed hard, i had a crazy ass wave hit me where i was crawling out my skin. it was horrible. i really wasnt having fun, i kept just wishing it would go away, kind of what ive said to myself with every drug ive took for the past two years. so i realized yet again, drugs arent good for me. no matter how chill they are, or safe i think they are, they just dont work in my body. weed is one of those too, i just havent found the will to quit that yet. i took that one week off and i felt good, but havent felt the need to do that again.
i need to re-motivate myself. i lost it. i was so jazzed on working out and eating healthy and saving up to move, but i find myself in the same spot i was in over a month ago. going to the gym randomly and eating semi-healthy. but im not doing anything else at all. i just feel so stuck. all the real shit is coming out now after my banter about nothing, but i have to get off this thing, because my eyes hurt and i feel nauseous. ill write more on this subject later, when i can really think and have something cool to say.
peace yo
Sunday, May 3, 2009
its alright, its okay, i got the time to pay..
today was a very very lazy day for me. i was torn all day dealing with my emotions. as stated earlier, i stopped smoking weed during the week and allow myself to get stoned on the weekends, but it kind of sucks. friday night i was so fucking high i barely wanted to be out, until i came down. its weird ive spent the majority of my life stoned, when in reality i should have just been sober. the talib kweli show was off the hook. i had so much fun with jenna and nate. we went out to dinner first, which was incredible. we just hung out at this new restaurant in town and the food was super good, and i didnt feel super full afterwards. they gave you just the right amount of food, and it was quality too. then we went to the show which is at this new club in eureka, which i was expecting it to be ghetto as hell, but it turned out not to be that bad. they actually had a good dj, who was playing good dance songs, and they flowed together nicely..very much unlike the dead prez show. i was a little too high at first, but then we started dancing, etc. i danced so hard it was awesome. i really let my guard down and just danced. it felt good to let it all hang out. i really needed it.
i am looking forward to my time this summer. its gonna be a nice way to leave here, filled with busy days and friends, and the river. me and jenna have so many plans planned, and then terra is coming here in june, and is planning on staying the whole summer!! im so excited for her to come here and for me to just have someone to hang out with on a regular basis. someone to call to go to lunch with or the movies, and actually enjoy my time with. not that i dont have that now, but its not the same, sometimes i feel the need to have to listen to drama or help friends deal with their issues. i dont really have anyone here besides jenna who i can just hang out with and laugh.
so much change, so much time!!
i am looking forward to my time this summer. its gonna be a nice way to leave here, filled with busy days and friends, and the river. me and jenna have so many plans planned, and then terra is coming here in june, and is planning on staying the whole summer!! im so excited for her to come here and for me to just have someone to hang out with on a regular basis. someone to call to go to lunch with or the movies, and actually enjoy my time with. not that i dont have that now, but its not the same, sometimes i feel the need to have to listen to drama or help friends deal with their issues. i dont really have anyone here besides jenna who i can just hang out with and laugh.
so much change, so much time!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
love...
is like a flower, you gotta let it grow.
i made it! today is day 5 of no weed!! wooo hooo..i really did it. im so proud of myself. i love how i want to do something, and i do it and i do it right. i wanted to smoke every single day when i got home, and i had super good reason to smoke too. ive been working so hard, and i have been in pain, and i have been in bad moods and i knew weed would make me feel better. but i didnt do it. i knew i would feel better when friday came and i went all week without weed. its more of a reward, that reward system in my brain is going to be so much happier. i just imagined myself at the talib show tonight, and when we went to smoke knowing that i was strong and kept myself from indulging. i can do anything i put my mind to! and so can you!!
i am so excited for the weekend, even though i dont really have off tomorrow. this is the first week in a long time that ive worked 5 days in a row. i know that sounds weird to all you normal people out there, but to people around here thats kinda weird. i just know that all this work is going to pay off. im putting those vibes out there in the universe and positive energy and working towards a better future.
shorty today, i gotta shower and go to work!
i made it! today is day 5 of no weed!! wooo hooo..i really did it. im so proud of myself. i love how i want to do something, and i do it and i do it right. i wanted to smoke every single day when i got home, and i had super good reason to smoke too. ive been working so hard, and i have been in pain, and i have been in bad moods and i knew weed would make me feel better. but i didnt do it. i knew i would feel better when friday came and i went all week without weed. its more of a reward, that reward system in my brain is going to be so much happier. i just imagined myself at the talib show tonight, and when we went to smoke knowing that i was strong and kept myself from indulging. i can do anything i put my mind to! and so can you!!
i am so excited for the weekend, even though i dont really have off tomorrow. this is the first week in a long time that ive worked 5 days in a row. i know that sounds weird to all you normal people out there, but to people around here thats kinda weird. i just know that all this work is going to pay off. im putting those vibes out there in the universe and positive energy and working towards a better future.
shorty today, i gotta shower and go to work!
Monday, April 27, 2009
and im feeling good...
hear those horns in the background? good cause i wanted them there..
life is seriously only getting better and better each day that passes. today was quite interesting for me. I woke up thinking this was going to be a chill day..which of course, it wasnt. i needed to bring sofia to the groomer, she was sooo mated up, and really dirty, like i could smell her and her fur was hard to pet. I thought there was no way she would get in, but luckily she did!! I had to bring her down earlier than i planned on leaving, but it worked out well for me. I dropped her off and went to get some breakfast by myself. I went to Brio, and I never usually go there alone, but it was nice to go sit in the coffee shop alone and just be. I realized how much i never go out. This then lead to the fact that i think i keep myself locked up more than i should. i never go to town and just sit in a coffee shop ever. i really have no need to actually, so why would i? but i realized i need to be out more, i need to put myself out there to make friends and to start having a life here too. it is hard living so far up the mountain, but i put myself into this box, that i thought was the town, its just me. its all in my head, like most things to most people.
after coffee, i went to the gym with jenna. it was so nice being back there..i was on this machine i usually only do about 20 minutes on, because it drives me crazy to just be in one spot for so long, but today i pushed myself to do 25 minutes, and it was hard too! it felt good to get off that and go do other work outs. Afterward i went into the steam room and a stranger asked my advice, and it just flowed out of me, just like mya said it would. i have the gift of helping people, its just in me to do. i love it! my advice totally helped her, and i feel like i made a new friend. she also happend to be from philly!! i was all ready to go home and chill with sofia, when i got asked to work..immediatly i didnt want to, but i did! i made myself go. i couldnt turn down money no matter what. after i worked i made good money and came home tired and worn out, but it felt nice. i cleaned my house up a bit, and then sat down and watched gossip girl. Nikole called and told me her friend is looking for a house in LA with 3 other people and wants me to be their 4th!! things are really starting to come together for me. Tomorrow im working at post haste, then for my friend brian. wed work, thurs work and fri work!! 5 full days of work!! its so good. it feels good, im not even that scared of it really. i have a goal to attain, and to get that goal i need money, so work is how i get money. its not all that bad either since i got tickets to see talib kweli on friday!!
i guess the point im trying to make is, im actually doing shit just like i wanted to. i have a plan, a goal, and im taking the steps to attain that goal. im working hard and it feels good. im no longer wasting away. Oh my god and the best part is today is the first day in many years that i didnt smoke weed!!! thats another one of my goals! to only smoke on the weekend or special occasions. weed is holding me back from living life the way i should, so i decided to take charge of it. i was really tempted when i sat down to watch tv, i packed up the bowl and had the lighter in my hand twice to do it, but i put it down. i knew i was stronger than that. and i was right.
im a strong woman who has goals and is going to complete them and make a good life for herself.
holla!
life is seriously only getting better and better each day that passes. today was quite interesting for me. I woke up thinking this was going to be a chill day..which of course, it wasnt. i needed to bring sofia to the groomer, she was sooo mated up, and really dirty, like i could smell her and her fur was hard to pet. I thought there was no way she would get in, but luckily she did!! I had to bring her down earlier than i planned on leaving, but it worked out well for me. I dropped her off and went to get some breakfast by myself. I went to Brio, and I never usually go there alone, but it was nice to go sit in the coffee shop alone and just be. I realized how much i never go out. This then lead to the fact that i think i keep myself locked up more than i should. i never go to town and just sit in a coffee shop ever. i really have no need to actually, so why would i? but i realized i need to be out more, i need to put myself out there to make friends and to start having a life here too. it is hard living so far up the mountain, but i put myself into this box, that i thought was the town, its just me. its all in my head, like most things to most people.
after coffee, i went to the gym with jenna. it was so nice being back there..i was on this machine i usually only do about 20 minutes on, because it drives me crazy to just be in one spot for so long, but today i pushed myself to do 25 minutes, and it was hard too! it felt good to get off that and go do other work outs. Afterward i went into the steam room and a stranger asked my advice, and it just flowed out of me, just like mya said it would. i have the gift of helping people, its just in me to do. i love it! my advice totally helped her, and i feel like i made a new friend. she also happend to be from philly!! i was all ready to go home and chill with sofia, when i got asked to work..immediatly i didnt want to, but i did! i made myself go. i couldnt turn down money no matter what. after i worked i made good money and came home tired and worn out, but it felt nice. i cleaned my house up a bit, and then sat down and watched gossip girl. Nikole called and told me her friend is looking for a house in LA with 3 other people and wants me to be their 4th!! things are really starting to come together for me. Tomorrow im working at post haste, then for my friend brian. wed work, thurs work and fri work!! 5 full days of work!! its so good. it feels good, im not even that scared of it really. i have a goal to attain, and to get that goal i need money, so work is how i get money. its not all that bad either since i got tickets to see talib kweli on friday!!
i guess the point im trying to make is, im actually doing shit just like i wanted to. i have a plan, a goal, and im taking the steps to attain that goal. im working hard and it feels good. im no longer wasting away. Oh my god and the best part is today is the first day in many years that i didnt smoke weed!!! thats another one of my goals! to only smoke on the weekend or special occasions. weed is holding me back from living life the way i should, so i decided to take charge of it. i was really tempted when i sat down to watch tv, i packed up the bowl and had the lighter in my hand twice to do it, but i put it down. i knew i was stronger than that. and i was right.
im a strong woman who has goals and is going to complete them and make a good life for herself.
holla!
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