thirty or something..

i had my 30th birthday party tonight. my real birthday isnt until next tuesday, the 10th, but tonight was the only night i could do it. i really just wanted to get everyone together and celebrate being home, and celebrate the history of me and it totally was. so many people came out that i havent seen in years, people i went to high school with, and people who ive just known over the years. it really made me feel loved. i felt like i mattered to people enough that they came out to see me and help me celebrate my birthday. its kinda egotistical to have a birthday party, or any party for yourself, i feel. but it was totally worth it. im really learning to accept myself, and love myself, and accept the fact that i matter to people. i existit and am not invisible like i felt like for my whole life. i matter! i am special to people, because people have always been special to me, and i never really felt like i could accept them feeling that way towards me, but they do they really do. i am also glad that i didnt drink. it felt so good to be sober the whole time, and just be at the party. not getting wasted and making a fool out of myself. i really just got to be in the moment, and im going to remember it so well. i have no regrets, and i know if i drank i would feel stupid about one thing or another, but not this time. i smoked a little bit of weed, but not even that much. i felt confident, i felt like myself. i am happy about the way i turned out. i have spent a really long time trying to find myself, and figure things out, and let things go, and i feel like i did. im so different and it shows.

while driving home, boys 2 men's "end of the road" came on the radio, and i really feel like it fit the mood of tonight. eventhough my road kinda went full circle, it still seemed to fit. big things are coming for me, i feel it and people around me feel it too. its all gonna happen so quick, its going to be amazing! so i guess im kinda at the end of my road, the end of my twenties, the end of being single, the end of being weird in philly, the end of the old melissa. awesome. goodnight.