work

work just feels good. there was this period in my life where i thought work was the worst thing in the world. now i dont mind it so much, maybe its because i dont have to do it that often. i look forward to having to spend a day working hard and making money to do it. i think its the way the world should run. which it is. there is a special quality of not working, and having your whole day to do whatever you want with it. the thing i learned was that when you have the time to do everything you do nothing. its not only true for me, its true for this whole town. people who do stuff without a job, actually made themselves a job, they keep busy. i think humans are maybe meant to keep busy. we have these brains that do more than we even know, there is now way its content with just sitting around all day watching tv. we have muscles and bodys that can do things. we should be using these things until we cant. i wish more people would see that the grass is always greener when it comes to the job world. the cool thing is that people are making more and more at home jobs, which seems to work out the best. you get to do both, hang out but work too. this whole idea of going to the office at 9 and staying there til 5 is so old school. i mean there are people out there who love to go to work, and feel its their duty, like my dad. but fuck that. not me. im gonna figure out a way to work hard as fuck, but do it on my own terms. these people who do blogs and making all this money, its crazy. i need to figure out a way to do that, i need my niche. i need my thing, i do well and that entertains others. i know it exists.

who wants to be a slumdog..dawg??

yo that movie was good.

i havent heard anything else about it honestly. that seems to be the concensus. i didnt really know what it was about, i just saw the trailer once, and knew i wanted to see it. i kinda didnt read up on it on purpose, sometimes i like going to movies and not ireally knowing what im in for in any way. i was pleasantly surprised by how good it was. it was just done right. it kept my interest the entire time, and moved along nicely. the music fit the scenes so well, and the actors did a fab job. i hope more bollywood movies make it here. i feel like americans dont really do the whole foreign film thing the way they should. everywhere else in the world, all of our crappy movies play and we do get lucky in little art houses to see them, but they are few and far between, esp where i live. i guess i just mean, im sure there are a lot more great films we dont get the chance to see.

when i left the movies, i walked outside and saw the most beautiful sunset. it was so nice to have that feeling after leaving that movie. it was so filled with the darker side of life, having to do anything to just survive. they beat so many odds, and made it through the worst shit ive ever seen. the worst part is, im sure thats real. im sure that there are thousands of kids who had that same back story. i just felt really happy to be alive, and to have the life that i have. i feel blessed in so many ways, i cant even explain. i may have had my bad part of life, but i worked past it and have learned so much from it. nothing i went through is anywhere near what some have to endure. i try to remember how lucky i am all the time. i live in a beautiful place. eventhough im planning on moving, its still so nice and i have the easy life right now. ready to have some challanges. i guess i just feel siked to be alive and have what i have. its always good to reflect and respect your position in life.

motivation station..

i realized recently, then i was told the same thing..

"if you just start doing things, then good things will come to you." pretty much the power of positive thought. just being busy and having a goal really helps the universe stay open to the things you want. if you make sacrifices and things you dont want to do, its hard work and it will always pay off. things dont come to people who sit around. change only comes when you activate it. i read my horoscope for this year and a main theme was oppurtunities are going to come to me, but i need to ready for them and take them when they come. i need to answer the phone, or ads, i just need to keep open minded and open to change.

change is good.
keeping busy is good.
having goals are good.

life will be good.

its been a long, long time coming...but i know..change gonna come..

oh yes it will..

today is so huge. we finally have a new president. a president who is normal. who cares about us, as a nation. a person who really wants to help our whole country, and stop this war. watching obama become our president today really affected me. ive been feeling so much change going on inside me, and around me, but i havent really stopped to think about how much that correlates with the whole country. we are all going through change. racists are having to realize that they are in the old school way of thought, finally. the internet, and new technology and medicines all these things that most of us knew were available but not being used properly in the country are about to be used. he is a smart man, who is really going to make a difference.

i felt the energy of the country switch today while watching the inauguration. it felt fresh, new, clean. there wasnt some old white guy standing on the stage pretending to care about the people, but really cant wait to go scratch his friends back and be a fat cat up in the white house. we had a man up there, who is going to stop celebrating today and go do work. hes so eager to change things, that hes ready to work. he realizes that he doesnt need to be at a parade all day, thats for the people who got him there. he needs to do what he was hired to do, change this country out of the horribleness that was left from the last administration.

im actually proud to be an american today. i never could really say that before, or thought to. but today im proud, im proud to be alive and to be young, and get to see the huge part of history im living in. i will talk about this day forever. i will pass on the importance to younger generations who are lucky enough to never think anything about it. we grew up in a world full of hatred racists, and they wont have to. well there will be racists, but they are quickly becoming the underdogs.

OBAMA!!!!

faith and futures..

I've been going through things in my head a lot these days. i really feel like I'm growing up in such the cliche way. i mean IMO noticing things that people always say, or do or that I've just seen older people do, or say or act, and those cliches are so true. you really do freak out when you turn 30. the thing is, I'm not freaking out in a bad way, I'm freaking out in a good way. i really want to save money, i want to have a career and a family. for the first time in my life i want those types of things. i don tknow if its because Ive been seeing so many people i grew up with from facebook, and seeing their lives and their families. it really puts things in prospective. I'm tired of living this life of solitude and distance and being withdrawn from others. i feel like I'm healed up pretty good. i went through a lot in my life that really messed me up as a person, and i feel Ive now gone through it, sifted it out and got through it. i accept my past and use it as a catalyst to have a better life. i knew moving here was to heal, over the 2 years Ive lived here, I've gone back and fourth about if i was ever gonna move. it was always in the back of my head, but i got really comfortable with the way my life is. money is easy, work is plentiful, the living is the easiest. very chill, very open to what i want it to be, but I'm done with all that. I'm ready to be busy and to work towards a goal. I'm ready to move. yup i said it. I'm ready to move outta Humboldt. my goal right now is to save save save!! the more money i save the better. i decided to cut down on a lot of extras, start living like I'm broke as hell. no going out to eat too much, no extensive shopping, more careful grocery trips, maybe not everything organic. i really need to scrape through, and save. once i do this, i open myself up to do and go anywhere. there are 4 realistic options.
1-LA-nikole and george are there. my life would be filled with people and fun, and family. i would be so comfortable and be able to have my own life, but be a big part of nikoles again. the weather is incredible. sunny days all the time, opportunities everywhere for work and new things to learn.
2-Berkeley-i have two friends, tibby and Megan who live there. i think its a great little town close to san fran, but has its own personality. there is a college so its still hip, but suburby kinda. culture all around, very chill people, health conscious, shopping, good shows, still in northern cali, close to Humboldt to go up and work sometimes, close to family.
3-Philadelphia-the home town, family, friends, very very comfy, but its where i left. i feel like i can never go back there. there is a part of me that will always miss it and always include it in my thoughts on moving. family is huge, family parties, help, but then drama and dealing with craziness of my brothers baby and just plain drama between everyone. getting stuck in old patterns, etc.
4-Washington, DC-Terra lives there, bill lives close and Ernie lives there, and Garrett lives close. i would have a good friend base to hang with and meet people. its a train ride away from philly, still has east coast charm. good shows, restaurants, Obama will be president, so cool time to live there. history and such. downfall is the freezing cold!! and expensive, and what would i do for work?

well i guess that question is for all those places, what would i do for work?? I'm leaving it up to the universe to just guide me where I'm supposed to go. i feel like something will happen to lead me where I'm going to live. my job is to make some sort of career and save money and it will all fall into place.

faith.
is what i have in my future.

truly disappointed...

what a bum of a day. the eagles lost the game. we had our chance to go to the superbowl and totally blew it. its so weird to me. we came back from being killed, 3 touchdowns in a row, holding the other team back, then they get one lousy touchdown and we freeze up? cant make 3rd downs? i sat there in disbelief for a few minutes, like a statue. how could this be happing i kept thinking to myself. how the hell is this happening, this isnt the way its supposed to go..something changed. something changed in the fabric of time. that game was ours, that superbowl was ours..but one thing happend to change it and i wish i knew what it was..i may sound crazy, well i may not because there is a large possiblity that nobody read this thing. but ever since the phillies won the world series, i knew the eagles would win the bowl. the whole seaon seemed too crazy for that to really happen. we were too far behind, bottom of our division. not a chance. then the fates turned, people got shot, teams broke, teams slipped up terrible teams actually won! we were there, we made it to the playoffs, and we fucking killed it. we worked hard to get to the championship and we fucking blew it.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

fucking blew it.

as morrissey says: truly disappointed, truly truly truly ahhhhhhh

joe lies, when he cries...

have you ever thought about lying? like really the whole idea of lying, and lies and why people lie and how we all lie. lying is so deeply rooted in some of us, and others have never lied out right in their lives..but the thing is we all do it. we lie to teachers, bosses, parents, friends, boyfriends, cops, strangers, etc..but most of all we lie to ourselves the most. when things arent going so well, we lie to keep our spirits up, is that a bad lie? not really. but its still a lie. when something bad happens to someone, you tell them "it will be okay" even if it wont. thats another lie. yet again uesd in a good way, but still a lie what the fuck. why do we do this as a country? as a society? as a world?? it doesnt make any sense to me. lies never lead to any good. they mislead, they start a downward spiral of more lies. some people lie for the thrill, some people lie, cause they lost the truth so long ago they wouldnt even know how to tell it. some feel they have to, for other purposes, but the point is it never does any good to you or them, or whatever. even if you lie to a boss to get out of work early, i feel like maybe a piece of your soul is taken. its weird. i feel weird about this subject. i lie pretty much everyday, if not to others than totally to myself. i wish i wouldnt. i wish i had the balls to be straight up with people when i talk to them, but why the fuck cant i???? why does society say its not pollite to the tell the truth. a dude asked me out to dinner, i totally had no intention of going out with him when he asked, but i pussied out and said "maybe" so then of course he takes that as "i have a chance" and calls me..what do i do? i wait 3 days then TEXT him with "im sorry i cant go out with you, because im into someone else, and i dont think it will be fair" WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY I AM. why didnt i just say no in the first place? cause its awkward and rude thats why. but why do i care? why fuck with someones emotions? i guess im gettting off topic, but either way LYING SUCKS.

some are lakes

dude life is getting too weird. the past 13 days have been such a rollercoaster for me, ups and downs all the way. it started off kinda crazy, and only got worse, then started to look up a lot, and then i just got such a bumout. i really thought that maybe this thing would be cool to check out, maybe keep talking a bit, hang out, have a friend whos into the same music, and has a simaliar past, but fuck man, seriously how many times can i be let down so quickly?? i feel like i never even get the chance when it comes to the ones i like. then i have all these douches liking me, but they are all the same type of dude. dont really work, hang out with bad people, listen to shitty music, and get wasted too much. why cant i just find a dude whos cool, who im attracted to? thats the other thing, i can connect with dudes, but not on that way. it sucks.

i dont know is it where i live? i feel like im coming out of my shell a tad bit more than last year at this time. but i guess im being rash, because this year just started, and i do feel positive, i feel like my heart and soul are open to meet cool people and make new friends, and possibly a love interest. but i guess all i can do is just work on this business situation and keep busy. i think thats my key actually. all this sitting around and working so on and off isnt good for me. i need to be busy and productive, so that i feel better about myself and my positiion in life. then maybe ill know who and what im looking for, whereas right now im kinda just floating out in the middle of the ocean. im waiting for the lifeboat to come save me, but i just need to start paddling. oh man i come up with some good one liners, dont i? haha

waiting for the lifeboat, when i should really just start paddling. classic.
peace

shes a real nowhere woman

the past week or so I've been involved in some serious drama..its so weird, i haven't been in drama in so long i totally forgot how silly it was. the funniest part is i had nothing to do with these issues, but the other people threw me in and got me all up in it. its so dumb..today was my final straw, i totally freaked out and let loose. i yelled at the top of my lungs, i made fists with my hands, i punched the couch in anger. it was terrible. i was so frustrated and could barely control my temper. afterward i was still stressed out even though it ended on an okay type of thing..so i seriously took a bong hit, and then called him back. we talked like normal people, and things were cool. i haven't worried about it since i hung up for the second time. its just so weird how sometimes things just need to happen. sometimes you just need a blow out to let that steam off, and i think its okay as long as the other person feels the same way. and as long as you realize your mistake and say sorry. communication is so important to just live by. words hurt. tones hurt. looks hurt. but all can be fixed with one conversation, its crazy how many people don't follow this simple rule of life.

on other notes, i feel lazy, unmotivated and scared. i just have no drive. what will give it to me? sometimes i find it, but i lose it just as fast. nothing keeps me going, nothing makes me think about it all day and want to immerse myself in it. i haven't found that love yet. i feel I'm on my way (meaning many things) i feel it all coming.i think i need to stop smoking so much weed, because its making me lazy and fat. i just want to eat the whole time I'm high. i sit there and stare at the TV, and want to eat food. i hold myself back from SO much. i feel outta control sometimes. well right now i feel too high and lazy to even finish typing. so peace yo