it all makes sense now!

damn, planets really make a difference im my life, this couldnt be more on point for me, for the past few days..


When a planet goes retrograde, it appears (to our eyes) to move backward, creating a "Bizarro World" of all the things it represents. For Pluto, the muckraking planet that reveals deep desires and hidden secrets, the past five months of retrograde meant that we turned our focus inward, forcing us to face up to our own buried truths. But Pluto's going direct again, so get ready to look outside yourself ... and expect revelations on a much more public scale!


But Pluto isn't really a downer planet. Think of it as the planet of epiphany: it brings truth to the surface, showing us what needs improvement on a personal and planetary level. During Pluto Retrograde, you may have noticed yourself reassessing the relationships in your life to figure out which interpersonal connections no longer benefited you. Now that Pluto's direct, it'll throw these truths into the spotlight.

While Pluto might sound harsh, it ultimately acts as a catalyst. This planet has a bad rap for being dark, but at its best it can be transformative. As the old adage goes, the best way to solve a problem is to first admit that you have one. Pluto will help you there! And with Pluto shoving that problem in your face, you'll get the push you need to take action!

so fresh and so clean..

what a wonderful weekend i had. i was out in the middle of nowhere for 3 days and 2 nights. it was amazing. no cell phones, no internet, no nothing. i barely thought about anything. i was just there doing my thing. lounging by the river, or swimming, or sitting down and talking with people. it was so relaxing for real. i thought i would go camping and have profound ideas come to me, or have some new thoughts on my life, but i didnt. i just chilled out. i think its what i needed. to not think. i think all the time. im always up in my head, so its good to be out once in a while. but the funny thing is i was super present. i didnt think really think about home or people or things going on around anywhere else. only when we were getting ready to leave did it all come to me and in the shower when i got home. this is the beginning. i am starting the beginning of my life!

ive spent my whole life caring about other people, and what other people thought and how i should or shouldnt act, and what i should be doing instead, and i realized now is the time for me. ive healed myself and thought i was all good and ready to take on new things and start my new life, but that was only part of it. i shed that some deeper skin and it showed there was so much more inside me that needed to be brought to light. i am more confident in myself and for asking what i need and saying what i like and dont like. i have all the answers, and i do have direction, its just always been hidden, because i wasnt ready. i still feel not 100 percent ready but im wayy closer than ive ever been. my life is starting to come together, all i need is my money to be flowing and ill be all good. well i guess its more than that, i need to start taking steps to get there. i need to start studing for my gre's for real. i need to get on that. it just feels good to have faith in myself. to know i have it in me, i guess it does all come down to confidence. i never really felt confident in myself before. i never thought i was important enough to have opinions that mattered. i always assumed everyone else was right and i was wrong, but the more and more i trust in me, the more and more im proven right. its kind of crazy to have all this power now. haha its funny to say now, because ive always had it. people just go upon the vibes i put out there, i used to put out the im unconfident vibes, and people took advantage of me or just made fun of me, and didnt take me seriously. it was because of what i put out there, my energy was weak. i feel strong now, i feel like people cant do that to me anymore. i radiate positivity! i love me, i really do now. its a wonderful feeling. to truly love yourself and know your worth, its not easy, most people dont even know they are missing it until they feel it. i feel so free, so uninhibited, so fresh, so clean.

green river..

if i could put the cool guitar lick after this line i would, but i cant, so i wont..

my crazy river weekend was awesome. i drove there alone on saturday morning, just me and the pup together going on this adventure i had no idea what i was walking into, but i liked it like that. i dont do too much stuff on a whim these days, or ever actually, so it was nice to kind of just let go and go for something new. i like that i have been open lately to new things to come into my life, and not just staying stuck in my little box that i have created for myself. ok so my drive there was incredible, i had great music, great weather, a full tank of gas, food, a joint and directions. it was all i needed too. i knew my phone might not work out there, so i was prepared for it, but it was really cool that it didnt work. it was nice to shut off from society and just be in this safe little place in the wilderness and just experience life "in the wild"per-say. when i got there ate lunch, a ganja cookie, and hit the road. we walked up about a quarter or half a mile in the blazing hot sun, with only our bathing suits, shoes and water. we walked down this crazy little path and hit the river. we were going floating down the river, which is something ive never done before, and had noooo idea what i was getting myself into.

it was amazing though. we just went down the river with our bodies, i felt so connected to the earth and tibby and terra. we really bonded which was the best part of the whole thing. i havent really felt like that with too many people since i moved out here. i thought all those fun adventures you have with people which make you better friends didnt really exists anymore, so it was really really refreshing to share those moments and memories with them. after we went through a few mini rapids, we were just chillin letting the current take us. we found this little beach and decided to lay on it for a while and let the cookies just kick in and enjoy life. there were these 3 butterflies that hung out around us too which was awesome, and oddly enough there were two yellow ones, and one black and whitish one, so we decided that was us, since me and terra are blondes and tibby is a brunette! these butterflies followed us all weekend too it was quite magical. after this whole butterfly thing happened we saw a bald eagle! it was so radical, and on the 4th of july of all days too. it was just right. the whole day was just right.

today i came home, back to reality and its not so bad, i really was looking forward to coming back to my own space and excited that i had someone to come back to. it was a first in a long time, where i felt like he was maybe just as excited as i was to be coming back. we were gonna hang out tonight, but it got too late so we will tomorrow! this whole dating thing is so new and nice to be involved in. its nice to be someone someone else wants for real and out loud and not all secretive, or cheesy, or guilty or drunk. its real and nice, even if it doesnt work out i learned im not gonna be nobodys secret ever again. ive done it too much, i deserve way better and expect it now.

tomorrow night, or early tuesday morning at 2:12am there is a full moon eclipse! its so rad, i saw it last year too. way special, check it out!

be careful what you ask for, you just might get it..

i just watched "into the wild" and damn did that movie really make me feel weird. i wasnt really ready to sit down and watch a movie, but it came on and i got sucked in automatically..i had heard that it was an excellent movie and had planned on watching it sometime, but i guess tonight was the night it was supposed to happen. i really loved the poetic theme of the film, and how philosophical it is. the whole idea of just leaving all these things behind and living like our ancestors in the wild is a noble idea indeed, but very fucking stupid. i felt so uncomfortable and anxious towards the end when he was starving, and his body was barely nothing. i felt so angry at him, it was his fault! he decided to do this haphazardly and it was stupid! he touched so many peoples lives and esp the old guy ron. he asked him to join his family and he said when he came back, thats the thing, he had all plans to come back but was trapped. he didnt bring a map, so he couldnt find his way out. its so horrible. that poor kid, he essentially killed himself. the worst part is he didnt want to, he realized that being alone wasnt happiness, he said happiness is found in sharing, and that really hit home for me. i spend so much time alone, and when people are around me sometimes i kind of cant wait to get back to being alone and having my time, but thats so stupid. the times with people is living, sitting in my living room alone isnt living at all.not at all. i need to start living life, i know i say this often and its true. i mean i shouldnt be so hard on myself because i am starting to live life sort of. i have new friends and my old friends are back, so i have options.

i am feeling obsessed with this person chris from into the wild, i think i need to get the book and read it. but maybe not too, its really disturbing me, i dont understand it, what did he do with all that time alone? how was he not scared? or was he scared? how did he not get attacked by people or animals? there was this scene where a bear comes right to his face, but doesnt do anything to him, i think because he was too skinny and it wasnt worth it for the bear to eat. man its so frustrating knowing that there was this wire a quarter of a mile down that he could have used to cross the river and he would be okay. he wanted to leave, he was ready to get back to life, and then he was stuck. its so fucked up. its like the universe really gave him what he wanted like the old saying "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it"

if you always get up late, you'll never be on time..

This is how i feel about life right now.

Ive decided that its time to start making moves, even if they are little moves, its time to make moves. Say those things i dont usually say, spend the extra 4 minutes writing a review that i thought of on the couch, read about that band, listen to the song and judge it. I know this may sound confusing, but its not that crazy. I am trying to be proactive about life. If i do things, things will happen. If i sit idly by, nothing will ever happen for me. No love, no work, no passion. Nothing. I need to put the energy out there and hope that it will come back one day. I dont know why i choose to start writing reviews, i dont even think they are that good, but its just something im trying. I think my opinion counts on some level, and even though nobody is reading it, maybe one day they will and they will be into it! or maybe it will lead me to something new i never thought about, or maybe ill meet someone who wants me to write for them, because they like my style. i dont know. but i will never ever know if i dont try at least right? i want to write a blog everyday or at least try to, even if its a few sentences on nonsense, it is putting energy out there..

on a lighter note, i decided to try to make myself go to the gym at least 5 days a week until i go to san fran, and also to eat super healthy and have no snacks, and no burgers, or anything. just be super healthy and work out and see what happens. i want to feel my best and have the most confidence in myself when i go down there. im going to see a lot of people i havent seen in a long time, and also people who when they last saw me i was at one of my worse moments in life. i was a wasted crying mess, i dont even know what i said or did, i just know it was embarrassing, and i want to feel my best when i see them again. i dont know whats gonna happen with rm, but i hope he doesnt get all weird, and freak out about this. i really just want to hang out. i want to be with my friend, and play games and smoke weed and just chill. i hope it happens.

its a cruel cruel world to face on your own..

im feeling stuck again. i feel like a rollercoaster, i have all this momentum and do shit for a while, and talk a bunch of shit, but then it fades, something makes it fade and i fuck it all up. why does this constantly happen? one day im sooo ready to leave this place, the next im like no i want to stay, then i think why would you want to stay here? and then i go into am i just moving to try to find a dude? is this all in search of a mate? i actually said to myself today, if i met an awesome dude that lived here i wouldnt go anywhere. id figure something out and stick around here. i am happy here in many ways, its just not the relationship type place for me. i do feel disconnected from my subculture and really want to be around it, but i think its mostly to meet dudes who are into the same shit. part of me thinks im not going to be with a dude whos into the same stuff. hes gonna be into his own thing, and im gonna be the girlfriend who introduces him to a lot of music. i dont know what im doing with myself to be honest.

all i know is the more i try to save, the more money gets taken away from me. i dont know how to save up that much money to move down to la, and then when im in la how am i going to make more money? i guess im kinda stressing about money right now. i dont like having this, everytime i get down like this with cash, i tell myself im never gonna let myself get this broke again, but then a few months later im back in the same spot and im so fucking sick of it. i cant keep living like this, i need a steady income, i need a career path! i need a fucking job that i like! how do i do it? this is everyones problem. how do we do what we love and get paid for it? my problem isnt that, its finding what i love enough to put energy into. my stepmom says we dont have to know fully, we need to just pick something and go with it so we arent just standing still. it will come in handy at some point. so what does that mean for me? i just jump into moving to la? wont i be living the same life, but just in a city? i need to pick a career and go for it. really find something and do it. maybe i should apply to the radio stations here, but then when i actually think about having to go there and do that makes me kinda sick, i want to do it on my own time..which means i need to do projects for khsu and just get knowledge that way. i need to volunteer more or something.

well another day in my world passes like a dream...at least i have music.

something is squeezing my skull..

i have a headache. i seem to have them a lot these days, but i think its from weed.

i had a crazy ass weekend. friday i worked all day, then came home chilled, went to a show in eureka to see truth and salvage co, they are nikole and george's friends from LA i did an interview with them for the radio, it was really rad. i felt important doing that, i felt so professional sitting in the studio mixing and cutting the interview to be played on the radio. i think sometimes i forget how cool it is that im actually a dj. i guess i make it less than it is because its a small town, but fuck that, im really a dj! i wish i was getting paid to be one though, that would be rad.

ok moving on, saturday woke up early and drove down to the city with the fam and damon and his friend randy. i had a good time. as soon as we got to the hotel i left to go shopping. i went to sephora and h&m. bought some shit and came back, met up with megan and went to dinner. after dinner we took the bart to oakland to go see the shins! the place was amazing, it was set up like a Moroccan temple. the sound was awesome, but the crowd was lame! nobody was dancing around at all, there was no energy to it. its like all the sf hipsters came and thought it wasn't cool to enjoy themselves. those pretentious bastards! afterword i took the train back to the hotel alone. it really reminded me of the days when i lived in south philly and had to take the train to temple all the time. i always felt so awkward on the train, so many people to look at and to look at me. i usually had my headphones, so i could phase out, but on that train i didn't. i had to tough it out. then got back to the hotel and hung with dad and kris, then me and kris spent some time talking and then fell asleep.

now sunday is actually the craziest of them all! we drove down to mountain view california where the dead were playing. Yes the dead. the grateful dead minus jerry. it was my "first show" which is sort of a big deal to dead heads. i was expecting to pull up and see a million people dressed all wild ass and running around on drugs, and drinking in the parking lot and weed smoke everywhere, but it was NOTHING like that all. i imagined woodstock and got a dave matthew's concert. well not actually a dave concert but the type of people you would expect to be at one of those shows. i was in total shock and felt like an idiot. so we go in and have amazing seats, which was cool the show started and it was normal hippish, i still didnt see the intrigue associated with this band's live shows..then the show went on a bit and they played a song i knew well, "franklins tower" and i started to feel it a little more. i decided when i went there i was just gonna live it, do what people do at those shows and really get a feel for the scene..oh boy did i. i decided it was a good idea to eat a piece of magic chocolate, i took a small bite thinking it would just make me a bit more high and maybe i would see trails, well i was 100% wrong. it started out really cool, i was digging the music and feeling the vibes, at one point i even said to myself " wow i drank the kool-aid, i get it now" and then bam! i got hit with the toughest craziest heaviest waves from these mushrooms, it was so fucking intense.the music just kept going on and on and fucking on, and every time they jammed hard, i had a crazy ass wave hit me where i was crawling out my skin. it was horrible. i really wasnt having fun, i kept just wishing it would go away, kind of what ive said to myself with every drug ive took for the past two years. so i realized yet again, drugs arent good for me. no matter how chill they are, or safe i think they are, they just dont work in my body. weed is one of those too, i just havent found the will to quit that yet. i took that one week off and i felt good, but havent felt the need to do that again.

i need to re-motivate myself. i lost it. i was so jazzed on working out and eating healthy and saving up to move, but i find myself in the same spot i was in over a month ago. going to the gym randomly and eating semi-healthy. but im not doing anything else at all. i just feel so stuck. all the real shit is coming out now after my banter about nothing, but i have to get off this thing, because my eyes hurt and i feel nauseous. ill write more on this subject later, when i can really think and have something cool to say.
peace yo

its alright, its okay, i got the time to pay..

today was a very very lazy day for me. i was torn all day dealing with my emotions. as stated earlier, i stopped smoking weed during the week and allow myself to get stoned on the weekends, but it kind of sucks. friday night i was so fucking high i barely wanted to be out, until i came down. its weird ive spent the majority of my life stoned, when in reality i should have just been sober. the talib kweli show was off the hook. i had so much fun with jenna and nate. we went out to dinner first, which was incredible. we just hung out at this new restaurant in town and the food was super good, and i didnt feel super full afterwards. they gave you just the right amount of food, and it was quality too. then we went to the show which is at this new club in eureka, which i was expecting it to be ghetto as hell, but it turned out not to be that bad. they actually had a good dj, who was playing good dance songs, and they flowed together nicely..very much unlike the dead prez show. i was a little too high at first, but then we started dancing, etc. i danced so hard it was awesome. i really let my guard down and just danced. it felt good to let it all hang out. i really needed it.

i am looking forward to my time this summer. its gonna be a nice way to leave here, filled with busy days and friends, and the river. me and jenna have so many plans planned, and then terra is coming here in june, and is planning on staying the whole summer!! im so excited for her to come here and for me to just have someone to hang out with on a regular basis. someone to call to go to lunch with or the movies, and actually enjoy my time with. not that i dont have that now, but its not the same, sometimes i feel the need to have to listen to drama or help friends deal with their issues. i dont really have anyone here besides jenna who i can just hang out with and laugh.

so much change, so much time!!

love...

is like a flower, you gotta let it grow.

i made it! today is day 5 of no weed!! wooo hooo..i really did it. im so proud of myself. i love how i want to do something, and i do it and i do it right. i wanted to smoke every single day when i got home, and i had super good reason to smoke too. ive been working so hard, and i have been in pain, and i have been in bad moods and i knew weed would make me feel better. but i didnt do it. i knew i would feel better when friday came and i went all week without weed. its more of a reward, that reward system in my brain is going to be so much happier. i just imagined myself at the talib show tonight, and when we went to smoke knowing that i was strong and kept myself from indulging. i can do anything i put my mind to! and so can you!!

i am so excited for the weekend, even though i dont really have off tomorrow. this is the first week in a long time that ive worked 5 days in a row. i know that sounds weird to all you normal people out there, but to people around here thats kinda weird. i just know that all this work is going to pay off. im putting those vibes out there in the universe and positive energy and working towards a better future.

shorty today, i gotta shower and go to work!

and im feeling good...

hear those horns in the background? good cause i wanted them there..

life is seriously only getting better and better each day that passes. today was quite interesting for me. I woke up thinking this was going to be a chill day..which of course, it wasnt. i needed to bring sofia to the groomer, she was sooo mated up, and really dirty, like i could smell her and her fur was hard to pet. I thought there was no way she would get in, but luckily she did!! I had to bring her down earlier than i planned on leaving, but it worked out well for me. I dropped her off and went to get some breakfast by myself. I went to Brio, and I never usually go there alone, but it was nice to go sit in the coffee shop alone and just be. I realized how much i never go out. This then lead to the fact that i think i keep myself locked up more than i should. i never go to town and just sit in a coffee shop ever. i really have no need to actually, so why would i? but i realized i need to be out more, i need to put myself out there to make friends and to start having a life here too. it is hard living so far up the mountain, but i put myself into this box, that i thought was the town, its just me. its all in my head, like most things to most people.

after coffee, i went to the gym with jenna. it was so nice being back there..i was on this machine i usually only do about 20 minutes on, because it drives me crazy to just be in one spot for so long, but today i pushed myself to do 25 minutes, and it was hard too! it felt good to get off that and go do other work outs. Afterward i went into the steam room and a stranger asked my advice, and it just flowed out of me, just like mya said it would. i have the gift of helping people, its just in me to do. i love it! my advice totally helped her, and i feel like i made a new friend. she also happend to be from philly!! i was all ready to go home and chill with sofia, when i got asked to work..immediatly i didnt want to, but i did! i made myself go. i couldnt turn down money no matter what. after i worked i made good money and came home tired and worn out, but it felt nice. i cleaned my house up a bit, and then sat down and watched gossip girl. Nikole called and told me her friend is looking for a house in LA with 3 other people and wants me to be their 4th!! things are really starting to come together for me. Tomorrow im working at post haste, then for my friend brian. wed work, thurs work and fri work!! 5 full days of work!! its so good. it feels good, im not even that scared of it really. i have a goal to attain, and to get that goal i need money, so work is how i get money. its not all that bad either since i got tickets to see talib kweli on friday!!

i guess the point im trying to make is, im actually doing shit just like i wanted to. i have a plan, a goal, and im taking the steps to attain that goal. im working hard and it feels good. im no longer wasting away. Oh my god and the best part is today is the first day in many years that i didnt smoke weed!!! thats another one of my goals! to only smoke on the weekend or special occasions. weed is holding me back from living life the way i should, so i decided to take charge of it. i was really tempted when i sat down to watch tv, i packed up the bowl and had the lighter in my hand twice to do it, but i put it down. i knew i was stronger than that. and i was right.

im a strong woman who has goals and is going to complete them and make a good life for herself.
holla!

my future's so bright, i gotta wear shades..

man it just really sums up how im feeling lately.

i feel like a light bulb the size of california went off in my head. i get it now. it all makes sense. everything im dealing with is so cirucluar, and its been hard to fix everything, because they are all invovled together. i feel like i have so many ideas and thoughts, and wants. i feel like i have taken that step, that step to decide im moving. its time to move on. its scary as hell but its time to move on. this is my home and everything i made it, but i can do that again. this phase is coming to close very quickly, but its all good. i feel so ready to live a life again! have a life! i really have sacrificed a lot over my lifetime, and i feel like the big pay off is coming now. i feel motivated and excited about my future, even though i have no idea where its gonna go, or how im gonna do it, it doesnt matter. im going to just do it. try it out, see if it works..if it doesnt figure something else out. everything always works out if you try hard enough, even if its not exactly what you wanted, it leads you to something better and more fitting. i think through out life we all go through these trials several times, and some of us follow it, and some of us dont. but the people who dont are the unhappy people stuck in their mondane lives wishing for something to happen. well its all about making it happen, strike when the irons hot as they say.

i feel so blessed that i am such a free spirit. i felt so bogged down my whole life, but i am so adaptable, and can just go with the flow so easily that i can remake myself happy. i am happy. i am happy to be ready to move on. i feel like i really will enjoy these last few times out here. its so funny that me and jenna became such good friends recently, because now im moving, and they always say that happens. you meet those special people as your leaving, but its all for a reason too. i feel so lucky that i live the life i do. i have it made in the shade. i do what i want, not too many people can say that. people in LA live like that too, and same in san diego. people have free schedules and are happier. they exercise and eat well, and play hard too. im ready to be in the sun all day and just doing my thing, meeting my people and living the life most people want, in hollywood.

hollywood is the place to be at 30 i think.
So Cal here I come!

Springing into fitness!!

yesterday i went to the gym with my friend jenna, and man did it whip my ass back into shape! i feel so ready to be in shape again. i always go through these periods of working out, but something always fucks it up, but the cool thing i realized that for the past two years ive been on and off with the gym, and havent really let myself get too bad. i mean my tummy def needs some work, but thats what im doing. i feel like i have a good view and idea of what i need to do. its not as hard as i always assumed it was everytime i didnt want to go workout. like today i stopped by the gym and went a took a steam then came home and took sofia out for a half hour walk. that was the hard part for me, cause i want to walk her and not walk on the stupid machine. so when i go with jenna im gonna spend some time on the machine, but then do my body works instead or maybe even start swimming. i think that would good for me. i dont know i guess im just siked to be doign positive things for myself ive been getting really really proud of who i am and who ive become lately. i feel like i got my shit together and it feels so good! im so happy!! i dont even feel worried about a relationship. today when i was talking to matt i felt a little weird cause we were talking tattoos and hes not too into them, he says less is more, and we were discussing and i got the feeling he didnt like them that much, but then i realized who the fuck cares. its me, take me or leave me. if he doesnt like me as is, then fuck it. that was the first time ive really truely thought that, i ususally would hide some parts of me from dudes cause i would be scared they wouldnt like me anymore, but now i dont care at all. someone is gonna love me for me. and im gonna be a lot hotter when i work out for a while, cause i dont drink anymore so there is nothing stopping me from losing this fat!!! yesss.

thirty or something..

i had my 30th birthday party tonight. my real birthday isnt until next tuesday, the 10th, but tonight was the only night i could do it. i really just wanted to get everyone together and celebrate being home, and celebrate the history of me and it totally was. so many people came out that i havent seen in years, people i went to high school with, and people who ive just known over the years. it really made me feel loved. i felt like i mattered to people enough that they came out to see me and help me celebrate my birthday. its kinda egotistical to have a birthday party, or any party for yourself, i feel. but it was totally worth it. im really learning to accept myself, and love myself, and accept the fact that i matter to people. i existit and am not invisible like i felt like for my whole life. i matter! i am special to people, because people have always been special to me, and i never really felt like i could accept them feeling that way towards me, but they do they really do. i am also glad that i didnt drink. it felt so good to be sober the whole time, and just be at the party. not getting wasted and making a fool out of myself. i really just got to be in the moment, and im going to remember it so well. i have no regrets, and i know if i drank i would feel stupid about one thing or another, but not this time. i smoked a little bit of weed, but not even that much. i felt confident, i felt like myself. i am happy about the way i turned out. i have spent a really long time trying to find myself, and figure things out, and let things go, and i feel like i did. im so different and it shows.

while driving home, boys 2 men's "end of the road" came on the radio, and i really feel like it fit the mood of tonight. eventhough my road kinda went full circle, it still seemed to fit. big things are coming for me, i feel it and people around me feel it too. its all gonna happen so quick, its going to be amazing! so i guess im kinda at the end of my road, the end of my twenties, the end of being single, the end of being weird in philly, the end of the old melissa. awesome. goodnight.

work

work just feels good. there was this period in my life where i thought work was the worst thing in the world. now i dont mind it so much, maybe its because i dont have to do it that often. i look forward to having to spend a day working hard and making money to do it. i think its the way the world should run. which it is. there is a special quality of not working, and having your whole day to do whatever you want with it. the thing i learned was that when you have the time to do everything you do nothing. its not only true for me, its true for this whole town. people who do stuff without a job, actually made themselves a job, they keep busy. i think humans are maybe meant to keep busy. we have these brains that do more than we even know, there is now way its content with just sitting around all day watching tv. we have muscles and bodys that can do things. we should be using these things until we cant. i wish more people would see that the grass is always greener when it comes to the job world. the cool thing is that people are making more and more at home jobs, which seems to work out the best. you get to do both, hang out but work too. this whole idea of going to the office at 9 and staying there til 5 is so old school. i mean there are people out there who love to go to work, and feel its their duty, like my dad. but fuck that. not me. im gonna figure out a way to work hard as fuck, but do it on my own terms. these people who do blogs and making all this money, its crazy. i need to figure out a way to do that, i need my niche. i need my thing, i do well and that entertains others. i know it exists.

who wants to be a slumdog..dawg??

yo that movie was good.

i havent heard anything else about it honestly. that seems to be the concensus. i didnt really know what it was about, i just saw the trailer once, and knew i wanted to see it. i kinda didnt read up on it on purpose, sometimes i like going to movies and not ireally knowing what im in for in any way. i was pleasantly surprised by how good it was. it was just done right. it kept my interest the entire time, and moved along nicely. the music fit the scenes so well, and the actors did a fab job. i hope more bollywood movies make it here. i feel like americans dont really do the whole foreign film thing the way they should. everywhere else in the world, all of our crappy movies play and we do get lucky in little art houses to see them, but they are few and far between, esp where i live. i guess i just mean, im sure there are a lot more great films we dont get the chance to see.

when i left the movies, i walked outside and saw the most beautiful sunset. it was so nice to have that feeling after leaving that movie. it was so filled with the darker side of life, having to do anything to just survive. they beat so many odds, and made it through the worst shit ive ever seen. the worst part is, im sure thats real. im sure that there are thousands of kids who had that same back story. i just felt really happy to be alive, and to have the life that i have. i feel blessed in so many ways, i cant even explain. i may have had my bad part of life, but i worked past it and have learned so much from it. nothing i went through is anywhere near what some have to endure. i try to remember how lucky i am all the time. i live in a beautiful place. eventhough im planning on moving, its still so nice and i have the easy life right now. ready to have some challanges. i guess i just feel siked to be alive and have what i have. its always good to reflect and respect your position in life.

motivation station..

i realized recently, then i was told the same thing..

"if you just start doing things, then good things will come to you." pretty much the power of positive thought. just being busy and having a goal really helps the universe stay open to the things you want. if you make sacrifices and things you dont want to do, its hard work and it will always pay off. things dont come to people who sit around. change only comes when you activate it. i read my horoscope for this year and a main theme was oppurtunities are going to come to me, but i need to ready for them and take them when they come. i need to answer the phone, or ads, i just need to keep open minded and open to change.

change is good.
keeping busy is good.
having goals are good.

life will be good.

its been a long, long time coming...but i know..change gonna come..

oh yes it will..

today is so huge. we finally have a new president. a president who is normal. who cares about us, as a nation. a person who really wants to help our whole country, and stop this war. watching obama become our president today really affected me. ive been feeling so much change going on inside me, and around me, but i havent really stopped to think about how much that correlates with the whole country. we are all going through change. racists are having to realize that they are in the old school way of thought, finally. the internet, and new technology and medicines all these things that most of us knew were available but not being used properly in the country are about to be used. he is a smart man, who is really going to make a difference.

i felt the energy of the country switch today while watching the inauguration. it felt fresh, new, clean. there wasnt some old white guy standing on the stage pretending to care about the people, but really cant wait to go scratch his friends back and be a fat cat up in the white house. we had a man up there, who is going to stop celebrating today and go do work. hes so eager to change things, that hes ready to work. he realizes that he doesnt need to be at a parade all day, thats for the people who got him there. he needs to do what he was hired to do, change this country out of the horribleness that was left from the last administration.

im actually proud to be an american today. i never could really say that before, or thought to. but today im proud, im proud to be alive and to be young, and get to see the huge part of history im living in. i will talk about this day forever. i will pass on the importance to younger generations who are lucky enough to never think anything about it. we grew up in a world full of hatred racists, and they wont have to. well there will be racists, but they are quickly becoming the underdogs.

OBAMA!!!!

faith and futures..

I've been going through things in my head a lot these days. i really feel like I'm growing up in such the cliche way. i mean IMO noticing things that people always say, or do or that I've just seen older people do, or say or act, and those cliches are so true. you really do freak out when you turn 30. the thing is, I'm not freaking out in a bad way, I'm freaking out in a good way. i really want to save money, i want to have a career and a family. for the first time in my life i want those types of things. i don tknow if its because Ive been seeing so many people i grew up with from facebook, and seeing their lives and their families. it really puts things in prospective. I'm tired of living this life of solitude and distance and being withdrawn from others. i feel like I'm healed up pretty good. i went through a lot in my life that really messed me up as a person, and i feel Ive now gone through it, sifted it out and got through it. i accept my past and use it as a catalyst to have a better life. i knew moving here was to heal, over the 2 years Ive lived here, I've gone back and fourth about if i was ever gonna move. it was always in the back of my head, but i got really comfortable with the way my life is. money is easy, work is plentiful, the living is the easiest. very chill, very open to what i want it to be, but I'm done with all that. I'm ready to be busy and to work towards a goal. I'm ready to move. yup i said it. I'm ready to move outta Humboldt. my goal right now is to save save save!! the more money i save the better. i decided to cut down on a lot of extras, start living like I'm broke as hell. no going out to eat too much, no extensive shopping, more careful grocery trips, maybe not everything organic. i really need to scrape through, and save. once i do this, i open myself up to do and go anywhere. there are 4 realistic options.
1-LA-nikole and george are there. my life would be filled with people and fun, and family. i would be so comfortable and be able to have my own life, but be a big part of nikoles again. the weather is incredible. sunny days all the time, opportunities everywhere for work and new things to learn.
2-Berkeley-i have two friends, tibby and Megan who live there. i think its a great little town close to san fran, but has its own personality. there is a college so its still hip, but suburby kinda. culture all around, very chill people, health conscious, shopping, good shows, still in northern cali, close to Humboldt to go up and work sometimes, close to family.
3-Philadelphia-the home town, family, friends, very very comfy, but its where i left. i feel like i can never go back there. there is a part of me that will always miss it and always include it in my thoughts on moving. family is huge, family parties, help, but then drama and dealing with craziness of my brothers baby and just plain drama between everyone. getting stuck in old patterns, etc.
4-Washington, DC-Terra lives there, bill lives close and Ernie lives there, and Garrett lives close. i would have a good friend base to hang with and meet people. its a train ride away from philly, still has east coast charm. good shows, restaurants, Obama will be president, so cool time to live there. history and such. downfall is the freezing cold!! and expensive, and what would i do for work?

well i guess that question is for all those places, what would i do for work?? I'm leaving it up to the universe to just guide me where I'm supposed to go. i feel like something will happen to lead me where I'm going to live. my job is to make some sort of career and save money and it will all fall into place.

faith.
is what i have in my future.

truly disappointed...

what a bum of a day. the eagles lost the game. we had our chance to go to the superbowl and totally blew it. its so weird to me. we came back from being killed, 3 touchdowns in a row, holding the other team back, then they get one lousy touchdown and we freeze up? cant make 3rd downs? i sat there in disbelief for a few minutes, like a statue. how could this be happing i kept thinking to myself. how the hell is this happening, this isnt the way its supposed to go..something changed. something changed in the fabric of time. that game was ours, that superbowl was ours..but one thing happend to change it and i wish i knew what it was..i may sound crazy, well i may not because there is a large possiblity that nobody read this thing. but ever since the phillies won the world series, i knew the eagles would win the bowl. the whole seaon seemed too crazy for that to really happen. we were too far behind, bottom of our division. not a chance. then the fates turned, people got shot, teams broke, teams slipped up terrible teams actually won! we were there, we made it to the playoffs, and we fucking killed it. we worked hard to get to the championship and we fucking blew it.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

fucking blew it.

as morrissey says: truly disappointed, truly truly truly ahhhhhhh

joe lies, when he cries...

have you ever thought about lying? like really the whole idea of lying, and lies and why people lie and how we all lie. lying is so deeply rooted in some of us, and others have never lied out right in their lives..but the thing is we all do it. we lie to teachers, bosses, parents, friends, boyfriends, cops, strangers, etc..but most of all we lie to ourselves the most. when things arent going so well, we lie to keep our spirits up, is that a bad lie? not really. but its still a lie. when something bad happens to someone, you tell them "it will be okay" even if it wont. thats another lie. yet again uesd in a good way, but still a lie what the fuck. why do we do this as a country? as a society? as a world?? it doesnt make any sense to me. lies never lead to any good. they mislead, they start a downward spiral of more lies. some people lie for the thrill, some people lie, cause they lost the truth so long ago they wouldnt even know how to tell it. some feel they have to, for other purposes, but the point is it never does any good to you or them, or whatever. even if you lie to a boss to get out of work early, i feel like maybe a piece of your soul is taken. its weird. i feel weird about this subject. i lie pretty much everyday, if not to others than totally to myself. i wish i wouldnt. i wish i had the balls to be straight up with people when i talk to them, but why the fuck cant i???? why does society say its not pollite to the tell the truth. a dude asked me out to dinner, i totally had no intention of going out with him when he asked, but i pussied out and said "maybe" so then of course he takes that as "i have a chance" and calls me..what do i do? i wait 3 days then TEXT him with "im sorry i cant go out with you, because im into someone else, and i dont think it will be fair" WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY I AM. why didnt i just say no in the first place? cause its awkward and rude thats why. but why do i care? why fuck with someones emotions? i guess im gettting off topic, but either way LYING SUCKS.

some are lakes

dude life is getting too weird. the past 13 days have been such a rollercoaster for me, ups and downs all the way. it started off kinda crazy, and only got worse, then started to look up a lot, and then i just got such a bumout. i really thought that maybe this thing would be cool to check out, maybe keep talking a bit, hang out, have a friend whos into the same music, and has a simaliar past, but fuck man, seriously how many times can i be let down so quickly?? i feel like i never even get the chance when it comes to the ones i like. then i have all these douches liking me, but they are all the same type of dude. dont really work, hang out with bad people, listen to shitty music, and get wasted too much. why cant i just find a dude whos cool, who im attracted to? thats the other thing, i can connect with dudes, but not on that way. it sucks.

i dont know is it where i live? i feel like im coming out of my shell a tad bit more than last year at this time. but i guess im being rash, because this year just started, and i do feel positive, i feel like my heart and soul are open to meet cool people and make new friends, and possibly a love interest. but i guess all i can do is just work on this business situation and keep busy. i think thats my key actually. all this sitting around and working so on and off isnt good for me. i need to be busy and productive, so that i feel better about myself and my positiion in life. then maybe ill know who and what im looking for, whereas right now im kinda just floating out in the middle of the ocean. im waiting for the lifeboat to come save me, but i just need to start paddling. oh man i come up with some good one liners, dont i? haha

waiting for the lifeboat, when i should really just start paddling. classic.
peace

shes a real nowhere woman

the past week or so I've been involved in some serious drama..its so weird, i haven't been in drama in so long i totally forgot how silly it was. the funniest part is i had nothing to do with these issues, but the other people threw me in and got me all up in it. its so dumb..today was my final straw, i totally freaked out and let loose. i yelled at the top of my lungs, i made fists with my hands, i punched the couch in anger. it was terrible. i was so frustrated and could barely control my temper. afterward i was still stressed out even though it ended on an okay type of thing..so i seriously took a bong hit, and then called him back. we talked like normal people, and things were cool. i haven't worried about it since i hung up for the second time. its just so weird how sometimes things just need to happen. sometimes you just need a blow out to let that steam off, and i think its okay as long as the other person feels the same way. and as long as you realize your mistake and say sorry. communication is so important to just live by. words hurt. tones hurt. looks hurt. but all can be fixed with one conversation, its crazy how many people don't follow this simple rule of life.

on other notes, i feel lazy, unmotivated and scared. i just have no drive. what will give it to me? sometimes i find it, but i lose it just as fast. nothing keeps me going, nothing makes me think about it all day and want to immerse myself in it. i haven't found that love yet. i feel I'm on my way (meaning many things) i feel it all coming.i think i need to stop smoking so much weed, because its making me lazy and fat. i just want to eat the whole time I'm high. i sit there and stare at the TV, and want to eat food. i hold myself back from SO much. i feel outta control sometimes. well right now i feel too high and lazy to even finish typing. so peace yo