be careful what you ask for, you just might get it..

i just watched "into the wild" and damn did that movie really make me feel weird. i wasnt really ready to sit down and watch a movie, but it came on and i got sucked in automatically..i had heard that it was an excellent movie and had planned on watching it sometime, but i guess tonight was the night it was supposed to happen. i really loved the poetic theme of the film, and how philosophical it is. the whole idea of just leaving all these things behind and living like our ancestors in the wild is a noble idea indeed, but very fucking stupid. i felt so uncomfortable and anxious towards the end when he was starving, and his body was barely nothing. i felt so angry at him, it was his fault! he decided to do this haphazardly and it was stupid! he touched so many peoples lives and esp the old guy ron. he asked him to join his family and he said when he came back, thats the thing, he had all plans to come back but was trapped. he didnt bring a map, so he couldnt find his way out. its so horrible. that poor kid, he essentially killed himself. the worst part is he didnt want to, he realized that being alone wasnt happiness, he said happiness is found in sharing, and that really hit home for me. i spend so much time alone, and when people are around me sometimes i kind of cant wait to get back to being alone and having my time, but thats so stupid. the times with people is living, sitting in my living room alone isnt living at all.not at all. i need to start living life, i know i say this often and its true. i mean i shouldnt be so hard on myself because i am starting to live life sort of. i have new friends and my old friends are back, so i have options.

i am feeling obsessed with this person chris from into the wild, i think i need to get the book and read it. but maybe not too, its really disturbing me, i dont understand it, what did he do with all that time alone? how was he not scared? or was he scared? how did he not get attacked by people or animals? there was this scene where a bear comes right to his face, but doesnt do anything to him, i think because he was too skinny and it wasnt worth it for the bear to eat. man its so frustrating knowing that there was this wire a quarter of a mile down that he could have used to cross the river and he would be okay. he wanted to leave, he was ready to get back to life, and then he was stuck. its so fucked up. its like the universe really gave him what he wanted like the old saying "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it"

if you always get up late, you'll never be on time..

This is how i feel about life right now.

Ive decided that its time to start making moves, even if they are little moves, its time to make moves. Say those things i dont usually say, spend the extra 4 minutes writing a review that i thought of on the couch, read about that band, listen to the song and judge it. I know this may sound confusing, but its not that crazy. I am trying to be proactive about life. If i do things, things will happen. If i sit idly by, nothing will ever happen for me. No love, no work, no passion. Nothing. I need to put the energy out there and hope that it will come back one day. I dont know why i choose to start writing reviews, i dont even think they are that good, but its just something im trying. I think my opinion counts on some level, and even though nobody is reading it, maybe one day they will and they will be into it! or maybe it will lead me to something new i never thought about, or maybe ill meet someone who wants me to write for them, because they like my style. i dont know. but i will never ever know if i dont try at least right? i want to write a blog everyday or at least try to, even if its a few sentences on nonsense, it is putting energy out there..

on a lighter note, i decided to try to make myself go to the gym at least 5 days a week until i go to san fran, and also to eat super healthy and have no snacks, and no burgers, or anything. just be super healthy and work out and see what happens. i want to feel my best and have the most confidence in myself when i go down there. im going to see a lot of people i havent seen in a long time, and also people who when they last saw me i was at one of my worse moments in life. i was a wasted crying mess, i dont even know what i said or did, i just know it was embarrassing, and i want to feel my best when i see them again. i dont know whats gonna happen with rm, but i hope he doesnt get all weird, and freak out about this. i really just want to hang out. i want to be with my friend, and play games and smoke weed and just chill. i hope it happens.