im feeling stuck again. i feel like a rollercoaster, i have all this momentum and do shit for a while, and talk a bunch of shit, but then it fades, something makes it fade and i fuck it all up. why does this constantly happen? one day im sooo ready to leave this place, the next im like no i want to stay, then i think why would you want to stay here? and then i go into am i just moving to try to find a dude? is this all in search of a mate? i actually said to myself today, if i met an awesome dude that lived here i wouldnt go anywhere. id figure something out and stick around here. i am happy here in many ways, its just not the relationship type place for me. i do feel disconnected from my subculture and really want to be around it, but i think its mostly to meet dudes who are into the same shit. part of me thinks im not going to be with a dude whos into the same stuff. hes gonna be into his own thing, and im gonna be the girlfriend who introduces him to a lot of music. i dont know what im doing with myself to be honest.
all i know is the more i try to save, the more money gets taken away from me. i dont know how to save up that much money to move down to la, and then when im in la how am i going to make more money? i guess im kinda stressing about money right now. i dont like having this, everytime i get down like this with cash, i tell myself im never gonna let myself get this broke again, but then a few months later im back in the same spot and im so fucking sick of it. i cant keep living like this, i need a steady income, i need a career path! i need a fucking job that i like! how do i do it? this is everyones problem. how do we do what we love and get paid for it? my problem isnt that, its finding what i love enough to put energy into. my stepmom says we dont have to know fully, we need to just pick something and go with it so we arent just standing still. it will come in handy at some point. so what does that mean for me? i just jump into moving to la? wont i be living the same life, but just in a city? i need to pick a career and go for it. really find something and do it. maybe i should apply to the radio stations here, but then when i actually think about having to go there and do that makes me kinda sick, i want to do it on my own time..which means i need to do projects for khsu and just get knowledge that way. i need to volunteer more or something.
well another day in my world passes like a dream...at least i have music.
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