being ill helps you realize...

how important being well is. i got sick last night with the stomach flu, and i never had that before, and its terrible. it came out of nowhere and hit like a tornado. i havent thrown up in years, even with being drunk or anything. it does make me feel lonely though. i hate being sick and single. its so hard to do the simplest things, make food, take sofia outside to go to the bathroom, stoke the fire, get more firewood, etc. im hoping the new year will bring my health to be better. 

as for everything else, im kinda siked! im going home for a week in february, im really looking forward to it. i get like this every christmas though, but its better in a way to go home for my birthday rather than christmas, because its more crazy during the holidays, but february is just another day. and im turning 30 so it will be cool to be with my friends and family for it. im not going to be there for my actual birthday, but i will be there the whole week prior. it worked out well because we arent going on our caribean vacation anymore, so fuck it im going to philly. id really like to stick around longer, but last time i did that it sucked. a quick in and out will be best. i will have a small party for my birthday and see everyone i want to see. maybe i should leave on sunday rather than saturday, so i could party on saturday too. who knows i just gotta see how long i can be away cause of sofia. if remedy wants to watch her, then im all good, but she might only want her for a few days, not a week. ok i gotta go feeling ill again. 

xo

another day passes like a dream...

so yep all this work, effort, thought, stress, money spent, ideas, cooking..all done. one day. over. Christmas is so weird to me now, i had to think this year that i had to make my own Christmas, that i needed to start my own traditions, because otherwise i was going to be disappointed in Christmas. i always had Christmas in Philly, well not the last three but the 26 before, so it was hard for me to adjust. it had always been the same in some sort of way, except when i moved out here. people look at Christmas differently out here. its more for the real reason of family and love and caring and just being together. Kris said to me when i was stressing about having enough gifts, she said "its not about the gifts, I'm sure you got enough, its really just about being with your family and enjoying each others company, i know that's all i really want for Christmas" that statement is true in many ways, but i never really felt like that in that way. like yes indeed i love being with my family and eating good food, and catching up, but i never thought "oh i cant wait to just spend time with my family" i never really felt like a part of a small family, and they all include me in theirs, but i put myself on the outside of it. i don't really feel fully connected to that family, even though i am. i guess its cause they have Blake and they have their family and i didn't grow up with them, but either way they are still my family and they are good too. they care about me, show me love and affection, hug me, kiss me hello and goodbye, and want to see me. they want to hang out with me way more than i want to hang out with them. I'm such a loner, and i wish i wasn't. i feel like i cut myself off from the potential of love. I'm totally going on a different topic now, i know but i guess it all flows together. the whole point was Christmas and the joys of it. i guess I'm just freaking because I'm getting older and the holidays that come and go so fast freak me out. its weird. I'm old. I'm single. I'm lonely. i live in California in the middle of fucking nowhere. i don't know what i want or where i want to go or who i want to be. can you help me find these answers?

dont wait too long

i cant believe christmas is in 2 days, it seems so weird. like i spent a lot of time doing christmasy things, but the fact the actual day will be here in 48 hours kinda freaks me out. time freaks me out. where does it go and what does it mean?? what is christmas? why are we so excited? not in a bah humbug way either, but its gonna be over quicker than we blink, but we spend so much time looking forward to it..we do it with life too, all these things we look forward to, but then they come and go, then what? we keep looking forward to things?? it seems so weird to me. ive spent my whole life looking forward to unrealistic things, and never being in the moment, and ive tried to stop that, and just live in the now, and this up coming week rather than next year, but it doesnt work! for two reasons actually. one is because when i live in the now, i hate it. i hate my now. all i got to feel better is the future. but isnt that fucked up? shouldnt i be loving the now?? i hate the fucking now. im lonely, im bored, im sexually empty, im a loser really. i dont do much with my time. i seriously worked this last week and felt alive. i worked 32 hours last week and was so tired, and so exhausted, but i felt like i had a purpose. i had something to do. i had plans that made me busy. i like being busy, having something to say when people ask me what ive been up to. but its like one fucking week. what about next week when i havent worked in 2 weeks? what do i say then? well i know i have total control over that answer, but i dont see me doing anything for it. im so lazy and unmotivated. i thought getting a computer would help me out, make me ready to go! start doing podcasts and whatnot, but i haven't. i dont even know how to work it, the rules, or anything. i talked to stacie tonight and she asked me why im not doing my podcast, she said so simply "all you gotta do is start a website and just put it on there, you don't need anything else" and shes right. the answer is so so simple, but it seems like a mountain to me. im so scared of it, and i dont know why. im scared ill fail, how i do even attempt to be successful? am i even interesting enough for people to listen to me? whats my thing that makes me different? so many people are doing podcasts and have their things about them, and i feel so ordinary. i get so nervous ill be like this forever, my birth chart says that I'm not gonna be rich, im just going to be comfortable, what the fuck! not that i even want to be rich, but i want to go on vacations and have nice things. i want my own house, i want nice furniture, pictures, MY things. im scared ill never get that. im scared ill be alone living mediocre forever. 

dreams...

so i just woke up from this dream that ive had before and its really bothering me. it started out with me being in some house with a whole bunch of people, that i supposedly knew, but i was with my little brother blake and these men came in and held us up..the whole house was under the control of these guys..we were sitting in these chairs and had christmas presents, i had his ipod, and new phone and my phone..the bad guys were collecting phones, so i quickly hid our phones and his ipod in the seat cushions so they couldnt steal them from us..i was holding blake hoping he would stay calm..his mom, who wasnt kris in my dream was out with a dude, who i hoped would come back and save us, but it turned out he was a semi bad guy too, and the mom who wasnt kris came back and took blake but was under the pressure too..then i had sofia with me somehow..we were sitting in a chair close to the door now, and i could make a run for it and get away, so when the chance came i did. me and sofia ran so fast and hid behind trees and stuff, while getting shot at. we finally ran into some apartment building and got away. the building was all alice in wonderland set up and there were all these doors with christmas cards on it. i couldnt decide whos door to knock on. but i somehow had a letter with a girls name and address that lived there, so i went looking for her. i coudlnt find her door, so i decided to keep running. in my dream i had wished i still had my cellphone, but i didnt, it was still in the cushion in that house. it seemed like the whole place was taken over by these bad guys, because somehow the actress who plays laura palmer was in it, and she was watching me from a room in the apartment building, so strange. but i didnt see her, it was set up like a movie and the camera showed her looking at me running. then i woke up. really fucking freaked out. 

what does this dream mean? why have i had it before? i feel like i always have dreams of where im running away from bad guys, etc and never have help and am always looking for it. but i dont know how that plays out in my life. this dream has left me in a weird spot today and on top of it, i woke up super late. 10am, my alarm was set for 9, but when i looked at my phone i must have turned it off or never set it, but i remember setting it before i went to sleep. its all too weird. ok gotta go to work.

random thoughts

i have been homesick lately. i always get homesick around the holidays, but this time its weird. its not like i want to be there really, i want to go back to certain times, memories, people. im sure a lot of it has to do with getting older too, and not really having much of a direction. i mean i have ideas and plans, but i still feel like im stuck in that damn glass box. like no matter how much i plan on doing, none of it seems right. 

i want to move, but i don't know why. well yeah i do. i have no connections here, no real connections. its been bothering me since i moved out here actually. i am so fucking blocked off to people, and letting them in. but nobody has seemed good enough kind of. i meet good people, people who i like to hang out with, but nobody i want to hang out with all the time. nobody i can just totally be myself around and have those moments, those fun moments where you just do something stupid but it brings you so much closer as friends. am i causing this myself, by staying in? where would i find this magical person anyways? would i feel any better in a different place, besides philly? i'm unsure of that.