random thoughts

i have been homesick lately. i always get homesick around the holidays, but this time its weird. its not like i want to be there really, i want to go back to certain times, memories, people. im sure a lot of it has to do with getting older too, and not really having much of a direction. i mean i have ideas and plans, but i still feel like im stuck in that damn glass box. like no matter how much i plan on doing, none of it seems right. 

i want to move, but i don't know why. well yeah i do. i have no connections here, no real connections. its been bothering me since i moved out here actually. i am so fucking blocked off to people, and letting them in. but nobody has seemed good enough kind of. i meet good people, people who i like to hang out with, but nobody i want to hang out with all the time. nobody i can just totally be myself around and have those moments, those fun moments where you just do something stupid but it brings you so much closer as friends. am i causing this myself, by staying in? where would i find this magical person anyways? would i feel any better in a different place, besides philly? i'm unsure of that.