dont wait too long

i cant believe christmas is in 2 days, it seems so weird. like i spent a lot of time doing christmasy things, but the fact the actual day will be here in 48 hours kinda freaks me out. time freaks me out. where does it go and what does it mean?? what is christmas? why are we so excited? not in a bah humbug way either, but its gonna be over quicker than we blink, but we spend so much time looking forward to it..we do it with life too, all these things we look forward to, but then they come and go, then what? we keep looking forward to things?? it seems so weird to me. ive spent my whole life looking forward to unrealistic things, and never being in the moment, and ive tried to stop that, and just live in the now, and this up coming week rather than next year, but it doesnt work! for two reasons actually. one is because when i live in the now, i hate it. i hate my now. all i got to feel better is the future. but isnt that fucked up? shouldnt i be loving the now?? i hate the fucking now. im lonely, im bored, im sexually empty, im a loser really. i dont do much with my time. i seriously worked this last week and felt alive. i worked 32 hours last week and was so tired, and so exhausted, but i felt like i had a purpose. i had something to do. i had plans that made me busy. i like being busy, having something to say when people ask me what ive been up to. but its like one fucking week. what about next week when i havent worked in 2 weeks? what do i say then? well i know i have total control over that answer, but i dont see me doing anything for it. im so lazy and unmotivated. i thought getting a computer would help me out, make me ready to go! start doing podcasts and whatnot, but i haven't. i dont even know how to work it, the rules, or anything. i talked to stacie tonight and she asked me why im not doing my podcast, she said so simply "all you gotta do is start a website and just put it on there, you don't need anything else" and shes right. the answer is so so simple, but it seems like a mountain to me. im so scared of it, and i dont know why. im scared ill fail, how i do even attempt to be successful? am i even interesting enough for people to listen to me? whats my thing that makes me different? so many people are doing podcasts and have their things about them, and i feel so ordinary. i get so nervous ill be like this forever, my birth chart says that I'm not gonna be rich, im just going to be comfortable, what the fuck! not that i even want to be rich, but i want to go on vacations and have nice things. i want my own house, i want nice furniture, pictures, MY things. im scared ill never get that. im scared ill be alone living mediocre forever.