another day passes like a dream...

so yep all this work, effort, thought, stress, money spent, ideas, cooking..all done. one day. over. Christmas is so weird to me now, i had to think this year that i had to make my own Christmas, that i needed to start my own traditions, because otherwise i was going to be disappointed in Christmas. i always had Christmas in Philly, well not the last three but the 26 before, so it was hard for me to adjust. it had always been the same in some sort of way, except when i moved out here. people look at Christmas differently out here. its more for the real reason of family and love and caring and just being together. Kris said to me when i was stressing about having enough gifts, she said "its not about the gifts, I'm sure you got enough, its really just about being with your family and enjoying each others company, i know that's all i really want for Christmas" that statement is true in many ways, but i never really felt like that in that way. like yes indeed i love being with my family and eating good food, and catching up, but i never thought "oh i cant wait to just spend time with my family" i never really felt like a part of a small family, and they all include me in theirs, but i put myself on the outside of it. i don't really feel fully connected to that family, even though i am. i guess its cause they have Blake and they have their family and i didn't grow up with them, but either way they are still my family and they are good too. they care about me, show me love and affection, hug me, kiss me hello and goodbye, and want to see me. they want to hang out with me way more than i want to hang out with them. I'm such a loner, and i wish i wasn't. i feel like i cut myself off from the potential of love. I'm totally going on a different topic now, i know but i guess it all flows together. the whole point was Christmas and the joys of it. i guess I'm just freaking because I'm getting older and the holidays that come and go so fast freak me out. its weird. I'm old. I'm single. I'm lonely. i live in California in the middle of fucking nowhere. i don't know what i want or where i want to go or who i want to be. can you help me find these answers?